A couple of tourists are taking a tour of Moscow.

As they are walking, the husband feels a drop of water fall on his face. He turns to his wife and says “I think it’s raining.” “No, it is definitely snowing.” Replies his wife. They started to argue, and the husband says “let’s not bicker, let’s ask our tour guide Rudolph whether it is officially snowing or raining.” They walked up to their tour guide, and ask “Comrade Rudolph, would you kindly tell us if it is snowing or raining?” “It is raining of course!” He replies. The husband turns to the wife and says “See? Rudolph the red knows rain, ...

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The "penguin"

A guy who's strapped for cash asks a prostitute what he can get for $10. She replies, "Well, for 10 bucks I'll give you a 'penguin.'" "Okay... Sure, I'll take it." So she gets down on her knees, lowers his pants, and begins giving him a blowjob. But right before he is about to cum, she gets up and walks away. The guy is confused, and starts to waddle after her, with his pants still around his ankles. "Wait, so this is a penguin?!?"...

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An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams. “We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.” The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced!”she shouts, “I’ll take care of this!” She calls Ireland immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow....

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Slutty girls are like Wal-Marts

Everyone makes fun of them but when you are inside one at 4am, you think "Thank God these are here"....

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Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench, eating six bars of chocolate.

A man walked up and noticed Johnny devouring the sweets. “Son,” said the man, “eating too much candy isn’t good for you.” “My grandfather lived to be 100,” Johnny replies. “Did he eat six chocolate bars a day, too?” the man asks. “No,” said Johnny, “He minded his own fucking business.”...

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A young couple in poverty give birth to identical twins.

After much consideration they decide that the best thing for the baby boys would be to give them up for adoption so that they can have a better shot in life. One boy goes to a Spanish family who name him Juan, the second goes to an Indian family who name him Amal. 18 years pass when the birth parents receive a package from Juan with a letter saying how grateful he is to them and with a ton of pictures of him and his life. This makes the birth mother inconsolably sad, her husband says “are you not happy? You always wondered what he looked like,...

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I never wanted to believe my brother was stealing from his job as a road worker

but when I got home, all the signs were there....

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