There was a porta-potty near the edge of a small cliff

Everyday young Bobby would walk by it on the way home from school, and every day he would resist the temptation to kick it off the edge of the cliff.

This all changed one day when Bobby had a particularly bad day at school. He had learned about boring topics, like how George Washington cut down a cherry tree and wasn't punished because he was honest, and Bobby had also failed a math test. He was heading to his friend's house, and since he was in a bad mood, he decided he would actually kick the porta-potty down the cliff this time. He gave it a solid kick and saw it tumble end over end down the cliff until it finally reached a stop at the bottom. Bobby now felt satisfied and continued on his way to his friend's house.

Bobby had a great time at his friend's house but then had to go home. However, when he got home his father was in a particularly bad mood.

His father asked Bobby if he knew why the porta-potty was at the bottom of the cliff.

Bobby was very nervous and wanted to lie, but he thought about George Washington and the cherry tree and decided he should come clean.

Bobby told his father: "It was me, dad. I won't lie to you. I kicked the porta-potty down the cliff because I was in a bad mood."

So it came as a shock to Bobby when his father suddenly grabbed him and spanked him.

Bobby, now in tears because of the pain, said: "Why dad? Why did you hurt me, George Washington's dad didn't punish him when he cut down the cherry tree."

The father looked Bobby dead in the eyes and said "That's because George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree"

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A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.

When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"

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Irish daughter hadn't been home for over 5 years. Upon her return her Father cursed her heavily.

Iris‌‌h daughte‌‌r ha‌‌d no‌‌t bee‌‌n hom‌‌e fo‌‌r ove‌‌r ‌‌5 years‌‌. Upo‌‌n he‌‌r retur‌‌n he‌‌r Fathe‌‌r curse‌‌d he‌‌r heavily‌‌.

"Wher‌‌e hav‌‌e y‌‌e bee‌‌n al‌‌l thi‌‌s time‌‌, child‌‌? Wh‌‌y di‌‌d y‌‌e no‌‌t writ‌‌e t‌‌o us‌‌, no‌‌t eve‌‌n ‌‌a line‌‌? Wh‌‌y didn'‌‌t y‌‌e call‌‌? Ca‌‌n y‌‌e no‌‌t understan‌‌d wha‌‌t y‌‌e pu‌‌t ye‌‌r ol‌‌d Mothe‌‌r through?‌‌"
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Th‌‌e girl‌‌, crying‌‌, replied‌‌, "Dad..‌‌. ‌‌I becam‌‌e ‌‌a prostitute.‌‌"
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"Y‌‌e what!‌‌? Ge‌‌t ou‌‌t ‌‌a here‌‌, y‌‌e shameles‌‌s harlot‌‌! Sinner‌‌! You'r‌‌e ‌‌a disgrac‌‌e t‌‌o thi‌‌s Catholi‌‌c family.‌‌"
‌‌
"OK‌‌, Dad..‌‌. a‌‌s y‌‌e wish‌‌. ‌‌I onl‌‌y cam‌‌e bac‌‌k t‌‌o giv‌‌e mu‌‌m thi‌‌s luxuriou‌‌s fu‌‌r coat‌‌, titl‌‌e dee‌‌d t‌‌o ‌‌a te‌‌n bedroo‌‌m mansion‌‌, plu‌‌s ‌‌a ‌‌5 millio‌‌n saving‌‌s certificate‌‌. Fo‌‌r m‌‌e littl‌‌e brother‌‌, thi‌‌s gol‌‌d Rolex‌‌. An‌‌d fo‌‌r y‌‌e Daddy‌‌, th‌‌e sparklin‌‌g ne‌‌w Mercede‌‌s limite‌‌d editio‌‌n convertibl‌‌e that'‌‌s parke‌‌d outsid‌‌e plu‌‌s ‌‌a membershi‌‌p t‌‌o th‌‌e countr‌‌y clu‌‌b ..‌‌. (take‌‌s ‌‌a breath‌‌) ..‌‌. an‌‌d a‌‌n invitatio‌‌n fo‌‌r y‌‌e al‌‌l t‌‌o spen‌‌d Ne‌‌w Year'‌‌s Ev‌‌e o‌‌n boar‌‌d m‌‌y ne‌‌w yach‌‌t i‌‌n th‌‌e Riviera.‌‌"
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"Wha‌‌t wa‌‌s i‌‌t y‌‌e sai‌‌d y‌‌e ha‌‌d become?"‌‌, say‌‌s Dad‌‌.
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Girl‌‌, cryin‌‌g again‌‌, "‌‌A prostitute‌‌, Daddy!‌‌"
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"Oh‌‌! M‌‌y Goodness‌‌! Y‌‌e scare‌‌d m‌‌e hal‌‌f t‌‌o death‌‌, girl‌‌! ‌‌I though‌‌t y‌‌e sai‌‌d ‌‌a Protestant‌‌! Com‌‌e her‌‌e an‌‌d giv‌‌e ye‌‌r ol‌‌d Da‌‌d ‌‌a hug!‌‌"

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Why is 6 afraid of 7?

because 7 is a registered 6 offender

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How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.

"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce." "Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?" "He was the original owner!"

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How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.

"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce." "Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?" "He was the original owner!"

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the lives they've lived look at each other nervously awaiting judgement. They know their pasts are not worthy of the heavens, but they don't feel they deserve hell either.

Jesus takes a look at a holy book sitting atop a gleaming marble pedestal. "In this book I see the names of all humans, all I have to do is look up your name and I shall see the life you've lived!"

Flipping through the pages Jesus mumbles to himself as the three sinners wait to hear their fates.

"It seems" Jesus finally speaks, "That none of you deserve to be here. In fact, you have all wasted your days on earth doing nothing but chasing after the lusts and fruits the devil hath provided for you to feast. I'm sorry but you do not belon-"

"WAIT!!!" Screams the sex addict. "Give us one more chance to prove we're worthy!"

"Yeah! We won't let you down again!" Finishes the alcoholic.

Jesus thinks for awhile, pondering what to do. Then at last, he comes up with an idea.

Summoning three rooms behind three doors he leads the sinners to them. "Behind these doors are the tools you have used to sin against God. You will spend one hundred years in these rooms. Once I return, if you have not sinned, you will be welcome into heaven. Do you agree to my terms?!?"

All three nod and agree enthusiastically, happy to gain a second chance.

---

So, Jesus leads them each to their room to spend the next century.

Upon arriving at the first door, it opens. This room is for the sex addict. It is full of beautiful woman and beds to lay on. Jesus bids him farewell and shuts him in the room.

At the second door upon opening, they see a giant room full of alcohol. Any kind that you could think of as far as the eye could see! Once again, Jesus bids the alcoholic farewell and shuts him in the room.

Finally they reach the third room and open the door. This last door opens up to a field of marijuana. There's plants everywhere and bowls and bongs to pack them in as well.

"Good luck." Jesus says, shutting the pot head into the room.

---

A hundred years pass and Jesus goes to check on the three sinners. Hoping for the best, but not very confident in them as a hundred years is a long time!

Arriving at the first door he opens it to find the sex addict, lying in a bed surrounded by women. You can see that he has failed, many of them are pregnant.

Just like that, he closes the door, pulls a lever and casts the sinner to hell!

Coming to the second door. He opens it and is blasted by a thick smell of liquor. There's broken bottles everywhere and the alcoholic, clearly as drunk as can be, is lying in a pool of the foul smelling liquid.

Shaking his head, Jesus closes the door and over again, pulls another lever casting the alcoholic to the deepest depths of hell!

Upon arriving to the third door, Jesus is in poor spirits expecting the same to be seen from the pot head. He opens the door and all is still. Looking around, the pot head is nowhere to be seen.

All around him there are bongs and bowls packed full of weed. Mountains of joints and blunts rolled to perfection. But not a single puff has been taken.

Finally Jesus stumbled upon the man, soaked in his own tears, he looks up at Jesus who is clearly surprised and says, "Jesus please! I'm sorry, take me to hell if you must but please, will you PLEASE give me a lighter?!?"

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