Little Billy came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home, Billy mentioned: Dad, our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs like that?

His father, thinking quickly, said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad, that's great," said little Billy.

A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad! Dad, we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" asked his father. "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom, flat on her back with her legs in the air, screaming, 'Jesus, I'm coming! I'm coming!'

If it hadn't been for Uncle George holding her down, we'd have lost her for sure!"

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A guy is sitting on his porch when his blonde neighbor walks out to her mailbox.

She opens the mailbox, looks in, colses it up and walks back into the house. Five minutes later, she does the same thing. After another five minutes, the same thing, but this time she's visibly angry. She comes out again after another five minutes, looking furious. She looks in the mailbox and slams it closed. As she's walking back to the house, the guy says,

"Not to be nosy, but are you expecting an important package?"

The blonde answers, "No! It's my damn computer! It keeps telling me I have mail!"

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In light of Sean Connery's death, here is my favourite knock knock joke.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Dishes.

Dishes who?

Dishes Sean Connery.

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A young ranch hand receives his first paycheck

A whopping $1.50. He immediately runs to the nearest brothel and asks the head maiden what he can do with a buck fifty... She dubiously eyes him. “I don’t have anything that cheap.” “Please!” He begs “it’s my first time!” Taking pity she says “Well, there’s a chicken out back...” “I’ll take it!” He says and heads out back for his first “experience”. He finishes and heads home. He returns the following week with his $1.50 and the maiden heads him off. “Since our chicken is dead, I’ll give you five minutes in the peep show.” He nods, hands over the money and heads into a small room with chairs and one way glass. A woman is on the other side dancing erotically in very little clothing. One other person, an old lecherous looking man, is in the room. The young ranch hand sits next to him and says; “This is amazing! I’ve never seen anything like it!” The old man chuckles and says; “You shoulda been here last week, they had a guy fucking a chicken!”

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Aliens come to earth...

They meet with all the world leaders. Eventually it’s the Pope’s turn to chat to them. He asks the one alien, “Greetings alien, what do you think of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ?” The alien exclaims, “Ah, JC! He’s my boy! We have a massive party when he visits us once a year!” “He visits you once a year?” The Pope asks in astonishment. “He hasn’t been to earth in more than two millennia! How did you manage that?!” “Well, when he first came to our planet we gave him a box of our finest chocolates. What did you guys do?”

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Sean Connery walks into a bar

and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I'm wearing panties!"

Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

Legend 007. RIP

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my penis was in the guinness book of world records...

until i got kicked out of the library

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