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Thứ Tư, 4 tháng 11, 2020

Why do the election results take so long?

It’s a race between two 70+ year old men. What do you expect?

Gf: what are your plans for today?

Me: a friend and I are going out to buy glasses

Gf: and after that?

Me: I guess we'll see

The reason Nevada doesn’t have any election results yet is

If you count in Vegas, you get kicked out

In the 1950s, someone yelled out to Adlai Stevenson: "You have the vote of every decent, thinking American, Sir!"

He yelled back: "Thanks, but I need a majority."

My sex life is like COVID-19

I don't have COVID-19

I used to have a masturbation problem.....

but I beat it

This is a joke my dad always used to tell. Hope no one has heard it before

The Red Baron, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend for picnic by the river Seine. It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air. The girlfriend leans over to The Red Baron and says, "Baron kiss me!" The Red Baron grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on his girlfriends Lips. "What are you doing?" says the startled girlfriend.

"I am The Red Baron, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing.

When things began to heat up a little, she says, "Baron, kiss me lower." The Red Baron tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "What are you doing now?" She asks bewildered.

"I am The Red Baron, fighter pilot extraordinair! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"

They resume their passionate session and things really steam up. The girlfriend leans close to his ear and whispers, "Baron, kiss me lower!" He rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac, and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. The girlfriend shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep in the water, She throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "Baron, what the f*** do you think you're doing?"

The Red Baron stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am The Red Baron, the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"