A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender

I want you to give me 12-year scotch, and don't try to fool me because I can tell the difference."  The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with 5-year scotch. The man takes a sip, scowls and says, "Bartender, this crap is 5-year scotch. I told you I want 12-year scotch."  The bartender tries once more with 8-year scotch. The man takes a sip, grimaces and says, "Bartender, I don't want 8-year scotch like this filth. Give me 12-year scotch!"  Impressed, the bartender gets the 12-year scotch, the man takes a...

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Hitler could've been better with his paintings.

Too bad he didn't believe in mixing colours....

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A teenage girl was being intimate with her boyfriend

At her parents house. Her father after being woken by the noises goes upstairs to check it out, and walks in on them. "Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "...I'm sorry" The dad being a dad replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!" He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking sorry?"...

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A Greek, a Jew, and an Irishman are accidentally killed by a bus.

A Greek, a Jew, and an Irishman are accidentally killed by a bus. An angel descends and tells them "Actually, there's been a mistake. It wasn't your time to die. We will let you come back to life, but you must promise to renounce your vices." To the Irishman, the angel said, "Your vice is drinking too much. You can come back to life as long as you stop drinking. We will tempt and test you to make sure you abstain." He agrees. To the Greek, the angel said, "You engage in perverted sexual practices. You can come back to life only if you remain celibate....

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Reposts...

r/Jokes has a search feature, input the title or punchline of your joke (before posting) and if it's been posted within the last month - please don't submit it....

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There was a man who took very good care of his body. Every day he lifted weights and jogged 6 miles.

One day, he looked in the mirror and noticed that he was tanned all over, apart from on his ‘thing’. So, he decided to do something about it… He went to the beach, took off all his clothes and buried himself in the sand, except for his ‘thing’ which he left sticking out. Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the ‘thing’ sticking up out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady: “There’s no justice in the world!“ The other old lady asked what she meant. She replied:...

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A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbucks one day comparing their two cultures.

​ Over a double latte, the Greek mentions “We built the Pantheon, you may recall, along with the Temple of Apollo.” “Well, it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.” “But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics.” “Granted, but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces.” Knowing that he’s about to deliver the coup de grace, the son of Athens points out with a note of finality: “Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!” “True enough, replied...

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