A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender

I want you to give me 12-year scotch, and don't try to fool me because I can tell the difference." 

The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with 5-year scotch. The man takes a sip, scowls and says, "Bartender, this crap is 5-year scotch. I told you I want 12-year scotch." 

The bartender tries once more with 8-year scotch. The man takes a sip, grimaces and says, "Bartender, I don't want 8-year scotch like this filth. Give me 12-year scotch!" 

Impressed, the bartender gets the 12-year scotch, the man takes a sip and sighs, "Ah, now that's the real thing." 

A disgusting, grimy, stinking drunk has been watching all this with great interest. He stumbles over and sets a glass down in front of the man and says, "Hey, I think that's really far out what you can do. Try this one." 

The man takes a sip and immediately spits out the liquid and cries, "Yechhh! This stuff tastes like piss!" 

The drunk's eyes light up and he says, "Yeah, now how old am I?"

Read More

Hitler could've been better with his paintings.

Too bad he didn't believe in mixing colours.

Read More

A teenage girl was being intimate with her boyfriend

At her parents house. Her father after being woken by the noises goes upstairs to check it out, and walks in on them.

"Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "...I'm sorry"

The dad being a dad replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!"

He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking sorry?"

Read More

A Greek, a Jew, and an Irishman are accidentally killed by a bus.

A Greek, a Jew, and an Irishman are accidentally killed by a bus.
An angel descends and tells them "Actually, there's been a mistake. It wasn't your time to die. We will let you come back to life, but you must promise to renounce your vices."
To the Irishman, the angel said, "Your vice is drinking too much. You can come back to life as long as you stop drinking. We will tempt and test you to make sure you abstain." He agrees.
To the Greek, the angel said, "You engage in perverted sexual practices. You can come back to life only if you remain celibate. We will test you to make sure you comply." He agrees.
To the Jew, the angel said, "Your vice is greed. You can come back to life only if you reform your avaricious ways. But you will be tested." He agrees.
As the three resurrected men are walking down the street, they pass a bar. The Irishman resists. They pass a second bar. He resists again. They pass a third bar, and the Irishman can't resist any longer - he runs toward the bar and instantly disappears in a puff of smoke.
Frightened, the Greek and the Jew continue walking. The Jew spots a penny on the ground, and is able to resist picking it up. Then it turns into a quarter. Still he resists. Then it turns into a dollar. He wavers, but still resists.
It turns into a five. Nope.
It turns into a ten. Nope.
It turns into a $20 bill.
He bends over to pick it up, and both him and the Greek disappear.

Read More

Reposts...

r/Jokes has a search feature, input the title or punchline of your joke (before posting) and if it's been posted within the last month - please don't submit it.

Read More

There was a man who took very good care of his body. Every day he lifted weights and jogged 6 miles.

One day, he looked in the mirror and noticed that he was tanned all over, apart from on his ‘thing’.

So, he decided to do something about it…

He went to the beach, took off all his clothes and buried himself in the sand, except for his ‘thing’ which he left sticking out.

Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane.

Upon seeing the ‘thing’ sticking up out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady:

“There’s no justice in the world!“

The other old lady asked what she meant.

She replied: “Well, when I was 20, I was curious about it.“

“When I was 30, I enjoyed it.

When I was 40, I asked for it.

When I was 50, I paid for it.

When I was 60, I prayed for it.

When I was 70, I forgot about it.“

“Now I’m 80, the damn things are growing wild on the beach and I’m too old to squat!“

Read More

A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbucks one day comparing their two cultures.

​

Over a double latte, the Greek mentions “We built the Pantheon, you may recall, along with the Temple of Apollo.”

“Well, it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.”

“But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics.”

“Granted, but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces.”

Knowing that he’s about to deliver the coup de grace, the son of Athens points out with a note of finality: “Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!”

“True enough, replied the son of Erin "but it was the Irish who got women involved"

Read More