Why was the mermaid kicked out of Geometry class?

She forgot her Algae-bra.

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The first Jewish President of the United States is elected

The night before the inauguration he calls his mother.

"Mom, I'd love for you to come visit for the inauguration and stay with me for a few days."

"Oh I don't know, airfare is so expensive these days."

"Mom, I'll fly you out on Air Force One!"

"Oh, but you know, cab fare is ridiculous."

"Mom, the Presidential motorcade will drive you here."

"But accommodations, especially during the inau---"

"MOM!! I'll put you in the Lincoln bedroom itself!!"

She reluctantly agrees, hangs up and starts talking to her friend.

"Who was that?"

"My son."

gasp "The doctor??"

"No, the other one."

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Friend: "how hard is it to get upvotes on reddit?"

I told him it was a piece of cake.

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So there's this one kid at a costume party and the host ask what he was dressed up as. The kid told him that he dressed up as a harp, and the host told him that his costume is too small to be a harp.

The kid then said, "Are you calling me a lyre?"

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I angered 2 people by calling them hipsters

I found out the term is conjoined twins.

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I asked the surgeon if I could administer my own anaesthetic.

He said: “Sure, knock yourself out!”

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Bad news: a message in German sent 110 years ago by homing pigeon was just found.

Worse news: it was an acceptance letter to art school.

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