Guess who came crawling back
Chủ Nhật, 15 tháng 11, 2020
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of dice. She says, "I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."
With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice, and yells, "Come on, Southern girl needs new clothes!" As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departs. The dealers stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asks, "What did she roll?" The other answers, "I don’t know, I thought you were watching."
3 blondes were walking on a path
They came across a set of tracks and were debating about what animal they were from.
Blonde 1: These are definitely deer tracks.
Blonde 2: They are not. These are clearly elk tracks.
Blonde 3: Both of you are blind. These are obviously moose tracks.
That’s when the train hit them.
The husband store
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: "You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!"
- So, a woman goes to the store to find a husband.
- On the first floor the sign reads: "These men Have Jobs".
- The second floor sign reads: "These men Have Jobs and Love Kids".
- The third floor sign reads: "These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking."
- "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
- At the fourth floor the sign reads: "These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework."
- "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
- Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:"These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak."
- She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
- "You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
- Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store."
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street. It too has six floors.
-The first floor has wives that love sex.
- The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
- No one has ever seen the 3rd floor
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
“Of course child. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she replied.
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
Father replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"
A Cop Pulls a Little Old Lady Over for Speeding
Cop pulls over a little old lady and asks for her licence and registration. When she pulls out her wallet, he sees a handgun in her purse.
"Ma'am, is that a gun in your purse?"
"Yes, Officer, it's a .38 Smith & Wesson revolver."
"Please place that purse on the passenger seat, Ma'am, and don't make any sudden moves towards it. Do you have any other weapons I should know about?"
"Well, there's a Colt 1911 automatic in the glove compartment..."
"Okay, let's stay away from that side of the car. Anything else?"
"I got a .22 Derringer in my bra, but it's just a little peashooter. Wouldn't hurt a fly."
The cop sighs, and asks, "Do you have any other weapons on you?"
"What do you mean by 'on me'?"
"Ma'am, do you have any other weapons? Just tell me."
"Okay, there's a Mossberg 12 gauge pump action and an AK-47 in the trunk."
The cop pauses for a moment. "Ma'am, you have a revolver, a derringer, an automatic pistol, a shotgun, and an assault rifle, What are you so afraid of?"
"Not a goddamn thing."
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