How does an alchemist please his wife?

Elixer

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Do you remember when air was free at the gas station, and now it's $1.50? You know why?

Inflation

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two hardcore trump supporters die and ascend to heaven.

God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions. One of them says, “yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud?”.

God says, "my son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232”.

After a few seconds of stunned silence, the one guy turns to the other and whispers, “This goes higher up than we thought”.

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A JOKE MY DAD CAME UP WITH

Since the united states has a nationwide coin shortage, does that mean we lack common cents?

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William Shakespeare chewed on his pencil so much...

...that eventually he couldn't tell if it was 2B or not 2B.

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My wife was feeding the baby and complained that she just refused to latch and suck.

"Aww," I said. "More like her mother every day."

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A fortune teller told me that, in 12 years time, I'd suffer terrible heartbreak.

So, to cheer myself up, I bought a puppy.

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