All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge...

‟I should be in charge,” said the brain , ‟Because I run all the body‘s systems, so without me nothing would happen.” ‟I should be in charge,” said the blood , ‟Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you‘d waste away.” ‟I should be in charge,” said the stomach,‟ Because I process food and give all of you energy.” ‟I should be in charge,” said the legs, ‟because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.” ‟I should be in charge,” said the eyes, ‟Because I allow the body to see where it goes.” ‟I should be in charge,” said the rectum,...

Read More

Me: My name is Matt, and I'm an alcoholic.

AAA: This is AAA, not AA. Me: Yeah, I was just explaining how my car got in the lake....

Read More

Comas can really change the meaning of a sentence...

For instance: ‟Ben is in a hurry.” ‟Ben is in a coma.”...

Read More

Ex-Wife

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show. His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. ‟Honey, I’ve just been thinking, now that we’re married maybe it is time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you probably should just consider selling all your cars. Tom gets this horrified look on his face. She says, ”Darling, what’s wrong?‟ ”There for a minute...

Read More

AnAstronautarrivesonthemoonbase

Hesays"let'sgetadrink.wheredoyouallhangout?"Theothersrespond"Sorry,wedon'thaveaspacebar"....

Read More

*Teacher to Student* T: "Use the word 'centimeter' in a sentence"

S: ‟My grandma was arriving at the train station so i was centimeter” T: ‟No, no, that‘s ‘Sent to meet her‘. Okay, try another one. Use ‘contagious‘ in a sentence please” S: ‟I had to wait at the train station for hours because it took that contagious!”...

Read More

An engineer dies and is sent to hell

He’s hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from plce to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what’s up? The Devil...

Read More