A balding white haired man walks into a jewelry store with a beautiful much younger gal at his side...

He told hte jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We will take it.' The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By check.I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I will write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I will pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'Sir...There's no money in that account.

''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.'

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My girlfriend asked why I carry a gun around the house?

I looked her dead in the eye and said, ‟the motherfucking decepticons”.She laguhed, I laughed, the toaster laughed, I shot the toaster, it was a good time.

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How do you piss off a female archaeologist?

Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it came from.

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It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge. ‟All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, ‟But what’s the dollar for?” ‟Well,” she said, ‟Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, ’Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea.”

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A guy walks into a bar with 10 bucks and asks what he can get

The bartender says, "You can get those damn deer the fuck outta my bar!"

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My parents got mad at me for sleeping with the autistic girl next door.

I didn’t really want to, but they told me my first time should be with someone special.

Fucking hypocrites

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A man walks into a bar

orders a drink. Downs it really quickly. Orders another. Downs that one too.

The bartender says “Hey, buddy, are you okay?”

The man says “No, honestly, I’m not. I wanted to surprise my wife, and… I caught her in bed with another man.”

The bartender says “Oh, man, that’s awful! What are you going to do?”

The man: “I just want to die. But I don't have the guts to kill myself. ”

Bartender: “That’s not what I’d do. If I caught another man with my wife, I’d kill the bastard.”

The man: “Hey, that’s it! Thanks!”

The man leaves, and comes back an hour later. The bartender asks “So, did you do it? Did you kill the guy?”

The man, big smile on his face, says “No, I fucked your wife."

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