But it would be tasteless.
Thứ Ba, 8 tháng 12, 2020
A guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his girlfriend from his wallet and said 'she's beautiful isn't she'
I said 'if you think she's beautiful, you should see my wife'
He asked 'why, is she a stunner?'
I replied 'no, she's an optician'
A poor farmer has two sons; a smart one and a dumb one.
One day he goes to his smart son and he tell him “Bring this duck to the market and sell it for 5 dollars. If you sell for any extra go ahead and take that to the whorehouse on your way back home.”
So the son goes to the market with the duck, manages to sell it for 7 dollars and promptly goes to the whorehouse and spends the extra 2 dollars he had earned and gets home by the end of the day.
About a month later the farmer needs a few extra bucks so he decides to use the same plan with his sons. For some reason this time he can’t find his smart son so he goes to the dumb son and says again “take this duck to the market and sell it for 5 dollars. Any extra you earn you can go spend at the whorehouse on the way home.”
The dumb son leaves carrying the duck but after getting a couple miles out he gets horny and forgets what he was sent to do so he turns the truck straight to the whorehouse. Upon arrival the lady running the place asks him how he expects to pay and he says “well I got this duck.” The lady thinks it over and decides there’s no harm in getting paid a duck for a couple minutes. So she takes him into the next room and they have wild amazing sex. After they finish she says to him “Wow that was fantastic. Can we please do this again? I’ll even let you keep the duck.” And he happily agrees.
Now tired he goes to drive back home. On the drive the duck gets spooked and flies out the window, directly into the path of a semi. The semi driver immediately pulls over and so does the son. The driver says “Oh my god I’m so sorry I killed your duck, it all happened in a flash. Please take 15 dollars for your troubles.” And the son happily agrees and goes on his way.
Once he arrives home his father asks him how much money he got. The son proudly empties his pocket and shows his father the 15 big ones. The farmer is stunned and asks him exactly what happened that day. The son says “Well, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and 15 bucks for a fucked up duck!”
This is a tribute to my uncle who told me this joke at a wedding! Thanks Chris!
A new guy starts work at a bakery.
He's handed his rota and his eyes lighten up: "Great, it's dinner-roll day!". The supervisor is puzzled to see such enthusiasm for so mundane a task as baking dinner rolls, but sure enough, the new guy goes to it with zest and panache and is soon turning out dinner rolls the like of which the supervisor has never seen or tasted, imaginatively designed and with a taste and texture beyond all praise or even description.
It's the same again the next day when the new guy comes in and looks at the rota: "Wow, wholemeal loaf day!". And sure enough, he puts the same verve and expertise into making wholemeal loaves as he did into dinner rolls the day before, and soon they are selling like something for which there ought to be a suitable simile when you're telling a story about a bakery.
On the Wednesday he takes one look at the words "Danish Pastry day" on the rota and immediately bursts into song, turning out tray after tray of beautifully formed and succulent Danish pastries, and on Thursday the excited shriek of "Doughnut day! Yes!!!" heralds an eight-hour shift of doughnuts that God Himself would forgive the sins of a whole world for.
But on Friday
"I don't understand it," says the disappointed supervisor to the master baker. "It's his cake day and he's made barely any effort at all."
A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink.
The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.
The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some khakis that are hung out to dry, and puts on pants, a shirt, and a hat. He sits on a chair by the campfire and grabs a copy of the local paper, pretending to read, to hide his face.
The lion enters the campsite and lets out a huge roar. He yells, "did anyone see a gorilla run through here?"
The gorilla, in full disguise, calls out, "you mean the one that fucked the lion up the ass?"
The lion exclaims, "oh my god! It's in the paper already?"
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