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Thứ Tư, 9 tháng 12, 2020

Two old women are sitting on a porch smoking cigarettes.

Ask they are smoking, it begins to rain. The first woman's cigarette gets wet and goes out. As she looks at her friend, she sees something fascinating unfold.

Her friend has brought out a condom and a pair of small sewing scissors. She unrolls the condom, cuts off the end of it, and slips it over her cigarette like a tiny raincoat and continues smoking.

"Why Ethyl!" the first lady exclaims, "where on earth did you get that?"

"Oh just at the pharmacy down the road, Doris, I pick a few up every time the forecast says it might rain. I do hate to waste a perfectly good Marlboro."

The next day, Doris checks the forecast and thinks it might be a good idea to get herself a few condoms for her cigarettes as well. When she arrives at the pharmacy and is standing in front of the shelf of condoms, she realizes she doesn't know what size she needs as she smokes a different brand of a cigarette than Ethyl's Marlboros.

A staff member sees the old woman staring thoughtfully at the shelf and goes to ask her if she needs any assistance. "Is there a particular brand you're looking to buy?" he says.

"Oh, I don't mind which brand," says Doris, "Just as long as it fits a Camel."

In my thesis, I was gonna prove that Brits often pronounce "th-" sounds as "f"

Turns out it was a shitty idea.

It was just announced that William Shatner's womens' lingerie company has been discontinued.

Apparently "Shatner Panties" isn't a great name for an underwear brand.

Women see sex like buying a car

Can I see myself in this long term?

Is it safe?

Is it reliable?

Can it kill me?

Guys look at sex like parking a car.

There's a spot.

There's another spot.

Oh I have to pay? Never-mind.

Handicapped? Hope no-one sees this!

Guys, don't install adblock

I did, and now the hot singles in my area don't want to meet me any more.

I asked my partner if I was the only one, she’s been with.

She said, “Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights”

Three men were flying in a small plane when the engine failed

To their disappointment, there were only two parachutes on board. After a couple of minutes of silence, one of the men said:

"Look, guys, I need to take one of the parachutes. I'm a single father with three children to feed."

The other two agreed and gave him one of the backpacks. The father put it on and jumped off the falling plane.

"So, it's me or you now, eh?", said one of the two men still on the plane

"Oh, just take a parachute and jump off," said the other one

"But then you'll die"

"Nah, dude, I'll just take the second parachute"

"What do you mean? You just gave it to that guy that jumped off"

"I gave him the backpack where we kept the food. After all, he said he's got kids to feed."