The wife and I walked passed a swanky, expensive restaurant last night.

She said " The aroma of their cooking from there is absolutely gorgeous"

Being a spontaneous sort of guy, I thought I would treat her. So I turned her around and we walked past it again.

Read More

Past, Present and Future walk into a bar.

Past says: I’ve ordered a beer.

Present says: I’m ordering a beer.

Future says: I’ll order a beer.

As they sip their beers, a girl enters the bar.

Past says: I’ve fucked her.

Present says: I’m fucking her.

Future says: I’ll fuck her.

Past says: I had chlamydia.

Present says: I have chlamydia.

Future says: I’ll get... OH FUCK YOU GUYS!!!

Read More

It was so cold this morning I had to use my Tesco discount card to scrape the ice off my windscreen

Didn't work though, I only got 10% off.

Read More

Ever since the pandemic started, every morning I proudly announce to my family that I’m going for a jog and then I don’t...

It’s my longest running joke of the year so far...

Read More

Knock Knock

Knock knock

Who's there?

Mary.

Mary who?

Mary Christmas!

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Anna.

Anna who?

Anna happy new year!

Merry Christmas and a happy new year, Reddit :)

Read More

Quarantine has turned us into dogs.

We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told "no" if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.

Read More

Why did the mermaid wear seashells?

Because she grew out of b shells

Read More