The judge gave me 60 years!
.
.
.
My (other) favorite one liners:
-
I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.
-
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.
-
French tanks have five reverse gears, and one that goes forward in case they’re attacked from behind.
-
My last relationship ended because I didn’t open the car door for her. I just swam for the surface.
-
My mom’s had a moment of clarity. She called me a son of a bitch.
-
I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days straight and doesn’t die.
-
I didn’t use to finish my sentences, but now...
-
My therapist told me I’m too indecisive, but I’m not so sure.
-
I bought a terrible thesaurus yesterday, not only was it terrible, it was terrible!
-
Why do we call ourselves pirates? Because we arrr!
-
I intend to live forever. So far, so good!
-
When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
-
Evening news is where they start with ‘Good evening’ and then tell you why it’s not.
-
I hate Russian dolls, they are so full of themselves.
-
There’s no ‘I’ in ‘denial’.
Marriage:
-
My wife and I were happy for 20 years, before we met.
-
I love my wife so much that if we were an a sinking boat, and there was only one life jacket, I would really miss her and think of her a lot.
-
The other day, my wife started a conversation by suddenly blurting out: “You haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?”
-
My wife told me our neighbor kisses his wife goodbye on the steps every morning, and asked me why I don’t do the same, but I don’t know her that well.
-
Religious differences destroyed our marriage. I wasn’t allowed to love my neighbor.
-
I divorced my wife because she was too loud in bed. I could hear her from two houses down the street.
Just a few notes on your beloved mother to end it all:
-
Yo mama so ugly, a blowjob from her counts as anal.
-
Yo mama so fat, last time she passed by the TV, I missed a season of ‘Friends’.
