My boss said I rub people the wrong way
Chủ Nhật, 3 tháng 1, 2021
Heisenberg and Schroedinger are driving together, but they get stopped by a police officer.
The officer asks, "Did you know you were driving at 75 mph?"
Heisenberg sighs, "Oh great, now we're lost."
The cop is unhappy, and checks the car's trunk. He asks, "And why is there a dead cat in here?"
Schroedinger grumbles, "Well there is NOW!"
CIA is testing loyalty of three of their agents...
A Pol, a Ukrainian and a Serb... So they give each of them a gun with blank bullets and tell them 'go into that room, there is your wife, kill her for us and don't ask any questions'... The Pol says 'I can't do it she's my wife'... Next is Ukrainian, he goes there and comes out crying and says ' I can't, she's the mother of my children'... Then a Serb goes into his room and testers hear screaming and beating... The Serb comes out and says 'you imbeciles gave me blanks I had to do it with a chair'...
A woman goes to the doctor's to have a strange mark on her tummy looked at. The doctor said, "Do you by any chance have a boyfriend who attends Wisconsin University?" Confused, the girl asks, "Why do ask?"
The doc chuckles, "I'm not just a doctor, I'm also an amateur detective. It looks like your lover likes to wear a sweater with the initial letter of their university emblazoned on the front. It's mildly abrasive quality has been rubbing on your skin."
"Not bad doc!" she says. "Not bad at all!"
"Well..." says the doctor. "Am I right, then? Do you have a boyfriend from Wisconsin?"
She smiles and explains, "Nope, but I've got a girlfriend from Michigan!"
Thứ Bảy, 2 tháng 1, 2021
I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.
On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."
I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.
As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."
My wife asked me if I'd ever pissed in the shower. I said 'Yes but both times were an accident.
My Wife responded 'What!? How can you piss in the shower by accident? Twice!?'
And I said 'Well these things happen when you're taking a shit'.
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