A dead guy was brought into a mortuary wearing a very nice black suit. "I'm assuming you'd like him buried in this suit?" the mortician asked the widow.

"No," said the widow. "This is what he was wearing when he died of a heart attack at church. But I would like him buried in a very nice blue suit. Whatever the cost, please make this happen." When she went to the viewing a few days later, and her deceased husband was wearing a one of the nicest blue suits she had ever seen. "He looks great!" exclaimed the widow. "How much extra do I owe you for the suit?" "There will ne no extra charge," said the mortician. "Why on earth not? Certainly this suit must have been very expensive and hard to find."...

Read More

Why did the Proud Boy check on his sad friend?

To make sure his friend was feeling... alt-right. Feel free to downvote me to reddit hell......

Read More

Is my wife dissatisfied with my body?

A tiny part of me says yes...

Read More

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave. The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate. On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other. The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The Rabbi pointed to the ground where...

Read More

I was at a restaurant and a cute waitress was flirting with me. She gave her email and told me to hit her up sometime. I tried to email her the next day but the internet was down.

I couldn’t connect to the server...

Read More

A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for a job."

The German doctor replies: "That's nothing. In Germany, we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he was looking for a job." The Russian doctor replies: "Well, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he was looking for a job." The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few years ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver, and made him President. Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"...

Read More

Quarantine has me really stressed and bored so I've been trying that Chinese thing with the needles

You know, heroin...

Read More