Me: Can we change the subject?
My wife: Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.
Thứ Ba, 19 tháng 1, 2021
A man from Peru decided to visit America, although he spoke no English.
Upon reaching it, one of the first thing he did was go into a department store.
He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.
“Quiero calcetines, (I want socks)" said the man.
“I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl.
“No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines,(No I don't want suits, I want socks.)" said the man.
“Well, these shirts are on sale this week," declared the salesgirl.
“No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines, (No I don't want shirts, I want socks.)" repeated the man.
“I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack," offered the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines,(No I don't want pants, I want socks)" insisted the man.
As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed, "Eso sí que es (Now that's it)!"
“Then why didn't you just spell it in the first place?!?" yelled the salesgirl.
A Jew, a Muslim, and a Jehovah's Witness were driving through the countryside when their car broke down.
The only house in the vicinity was an old farmhouse, so they decided to stay there for the night.
"I'm so sorry," said the farmer. "The bed in the guest room only has room for two people." So he volunteered the Jew to sleep in the barn.
Five minutes later, the farmer heard a knock on the door. He opened the door, and there was the Jew.
"What are you doing here?" asked the farmer.
"I'm afraid I cannot sleep in the barn because there is a pig in the barn, and my religion considers pigs to be unclean animals."
"Very well," said the farmer. "You can sleep in the guest room." And he volunteered the Muslim to sleep in the barn.
Five minutes later, the farmer heard a knock on the door. He opened the door, and there was the Muslim.
"What are you doing here?" asked the farmer.
"I'm afraid I cannot sleep in the barn because there is a pig in the barn, and my religion considers pigs to be unclean animals."
"Very well," said the farmer. "You can sleep in the guest room." And he volunteered the Jehovah's Witness to sleep in the barn.
Five minutes later, the farmer heard a knock on the door. He opened the door, and there was the pig.
3 brothers enter the hospital room of their dying parents who have lived a long life of exploring and treasure hunting.
Their parents greet them, and tell them of the last adventure they were unable to complete. “There’s a cave down in South America, deep in the jungles of Brazil. Go there and find the treasure we have been searching for the last 20 years. We know the three of you will find it.”
The brothers leave to prepare for their journey, their hearts heavy from their parents passing, but set with vindictive courage determined to find this mysterious cave.
3 years later the brothers are hopeless, having found no evidence of such a cave in the Brazilian jungles. They make it back to their parents house eventually... where they find a little glass bottle on top of the fridge, with a scroll rolled up inside.
The first brother uncorks the bottle and gets the scroll out, starting to unroll it. crinkle crinkle The paper is very brittle.
On it reveals a clear path through Brazil to where this mysterious cave might be. They only wish they knew about this treasure map 3 years ago... but alas, their journey begins.
Finally, within the Brazilian forests they arrive at the steps of a vine-encased stairway surrounded by foliage. There is no sign or anything, but this is where their parents’ treasure map led them to.
The brothers take each other by hand and begin to descend. After what seems like 1,000 steps they finally reach a dim torch-lit room with three doors. One door has a fire symbol. One door has a water symbol. And the last door has a question mark.
Bewildered by these symbols the first brother decides to take one for the team and enters the fire door. It slams behind him as he descends another 1,000 stairs. Finally reaching the bottom he finds red Rubies scattered about the floor in piles he could never have imagined! He begins gathering rubies into sacks he brought and once he picks up the last ruby.. he notices a fireball start to form in the corner of the room. So he lifts his sacks in an adrenaline-fueled rush and bee-lines it for the door, 1,000 stairs up. He just barely makes it out, slamming the door on the fireball behind him.
His brothers are impressed by his riches that he gathered! While also afraid that the fire door housed a killer fireball. But the second brother can’t be outdone by the first.
He makes his way down the stairs of the water symbol door. Making it to the bottom of the steps he finds sapphires scattered everywhere and begins to gather them up. He picks up the last sapphire and water immediately begins seeping in from all corners of the room... In a rushed panic he picks up his sacks of sapphires and trudges through the water, barely making it up the stairs and closing the door before the water level rose enough to kill him and his brothers.
The third brother is now wildly impressed with his first two brothers’ riches! And also terrified to open this third door and see what evils may linger behind a question mark symbol.
He gathers up some courage and enters. This time there are only 10 steps. He finds rubies, sapphires, emeralds, and diamonds galore! There are so many treasures he fills up 4, 5, 6 enormous sacks of gems and.. nothing happens. He picks up his treasures and barely manages to make it up those 10 steps with all the extra weight.
His brothers are ASTOUNDED. How did you get all that treasure?! Why did nothing attack YOU?!
Nevertheless, the boys returned home with their respective treasures, feeling fulfilled by completing their parents goal.
The first brother celebrates by buying a nice house on a lake in Texas, getting all sorts of fun toys and things to play with considering his newfound fortune. Years go by, and one day there is a gas leak in his kitchen. As he leans in to examine the issue, a fireball explodes in his face and kills him in a fiery death.
The very same day years later, the second brother was out enjoying a margarita on the beach, in front of his new beach mansion. Those sapphires really paid off for him to live a stress free life! That is until a tsunami forms faster than ever and engulfs the beach, claiming the second brother’s life before he or his margarita knew it.
Now the third brother hears about the tragic deaths of his brothers.. and recalls the fire door, and the water door which relate to his brothers’ deaths. Since he doesn’t know what to expect he begins to prepare for the worst. As he had saved his jewels and not lived an extravagant lifestyle the past few years, he had plenty of wealth to invest in a castle with a drawbridge and an alligator moat. An entire team of armed guards was set up for 24 hour lookout and protection.
Weeks go by and there is no cause for any alarm. Until one day where he gets a dispatch on his Walkie-talkie, “Psshhhhk- hello sir, you may want to have a look at this.. uh, I’m not sure how else to describe it. We have identified a.. floating coffin? It seems to be headed in our direction at a steady pace.. just ominously floating.”
The brother immediately heads to the lookout tower to get a glimpse through binoculars. And then he sees it. The floating coffin has a big question mark on the front of it.. floating directly towards him 1,000 meters away. He immediately recognizes this as the question mark on the door where he found his treasures.
In a panic, he yells into his walkie talkie, “Psshhhk- ATTENTION ALL GUARDS, DO NOT LET THAT THING INTO THIS CASTLE. OPEN FIRE, RAISE THE DRAWBRIDGE! DO ANYTHING YOU HAVE TO DO TO PROTECT ME!!”
He then makes his way to the deepest, most secluded portion of his castle, ending up in a guest bathroom underground where he was holed up waiting for his fate to arrive.
His guards radio in as he starts to hear rumbling and crashing upstairs above him.
“Psshhhk- SIR! Sir.. we can’t stop it. Our bullets just bounce off of it! It just floated over the moat and crashed through our drawbridge!! It is coming for you.. we can———“ and the walkie falls silent.
In a panic the brother starts to look for anything he might be able to use to defend himself... he really is at a disadvantage in this guest bathroom as all he can find is an old rusty razor and a bottle of NyQuil. He thinks just maybe he could try and slice at it with the razor and maybe use the bottle of NyQuil as a projectile.
Soon enough, he hears the coffin crashing through the outer door, and CRASH the bathroom door shatters into pieces as the big question mark fills his view. Quickly, he throws the bottle of NyQuil and lunges at the coffin with the razor in hand... but he swings at nothing.. the coffin had vanished into thin air as soon as the NyQuil made contact.
And that’s when he realized.. NyQuil stops the coffin.
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