The girl took her boyfriend home and introduced him to her parents.

The guy had a bad lunch and was feeling discomfort as he was sitting at the dining table for dinner with her parents.

Suddenly he couldn't control the discomfort, and he farted. At this moment, the girl's father looked at the dog sleeping by the boyfriend's feet and yelled "Jackie!". The guy rejoiced in his heart for they thought it was the dog that farted.

After a little while, he couldn't control it again, thus he farted again. This time, the girl's father yelled with a loud and stronger voice and said "Jackie!" The boyfriend thanked the gods again. He cursed the lunch he ate inbhis heart. But he felt relieved they blamed it on the poor dog.

But it took him only few minutes before he broke the wind for the third time. The girl's father lowered his eyeglasses and said "Jackie! Get up now! This guy is going to shit on your face if you don't move!"

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I think I'm going to lose my driver's license...

and all just because of a stupid police officer...

The conversation went like this when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?"

Me: "A car."

Officer: "Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi, or a Ford?"

Me: "I have no idea!"

Officer: "So, you're drunk."

Me: "But I didn't drink anything."

Officer: "Okay, one more test -- Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you. What is it?

Me: "A motorcycle."

Officer: "Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki, or a Harley?"

Me: "I have no idea!"

Officer: "As I suspected, you're drunk!"

Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter-question.

Me: "So..., counter-question -- You're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes, and only a bra as a top. What is this?"

Officer: "A prostitute of course."

Me: "Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife, or your mother?"

Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend.

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The perfect guy

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Graham!"

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Graham Barnes. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Graham Barnes, every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Graham Barnes. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Graham Barnes, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Graham, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Graham."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Graham. He died. I'm married to his widow

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What I if told you

What if I told you you read the title wrong

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A Bad Limbo Player Walks Into a Bar.

Thats it.

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What’s the difference between a police officer and a bullet?

When a bullet kills someone, you know it’s been fired.

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I set the pornhub theme as my ring tone, because if anyone at business meetings recognizes it they'll be too ashamed to comment.

They did stop shaking my hand though...

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