A pregnant woman boards a bus. After taking a seat, she notices a man smiling at her. She feels self-conscious and changes her seat, but he seems even more amused. She moves a third time, and he starts to giggle. On her fourth move, he bursts out laughing.

They both get off the bus at the next stop. The pregnant woman is furious and demands an explanation. "What exactly is so damn funny?" "I'm sorry, ma'am," replies the giggling man. "But I couldn't help noticing you're pregnant, and when you first sat down, you sat under an advertisement which read 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins.' Then you sat under an ad that read 'Sloan's Liniments Remove Swelling.' Then you moved under a deodorant advertisement which read 'William's Stick Did the Trick.' And I just couldn't hold it in any longer when you moved a fourth time and sat under a tire advertisement which read 'Dunlop Rubber Would Have Prevented This Accident.'"

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What do you call a stolen Tesla?

An Edison

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My friend asked me what the biggest fish I ever caught was. "Have you ever saw the movie jaws? I asked.

"Well it was about the same size as the box the dvd came in."

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What do sprinters eat before a race?

Nothing, they fast

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An engineer dies and mistakenly gets sent to hell

At first he’s in shock, he wasn’t supposed to end up here! But then he starts to look around & notice things. Everyone is always so grouchy because of the heat, so he fixes the AC. And they’re always bored because there’s nothing to do, so he fixes the cable box. Slowly but surely he starts to make improvements, until God finally realizes what’s going on. So God goes to Satan and says, Hey I think you have our guy. We gotta fix this mistake. Satan says, I don’t think so, we like him here. He’s fixing things & making them better. God starts to get frustrated and says, Hey, if you don’t give us our guy back, I’m gonna have to sue you. Satan laughs and says, Where do you think you’re gonna find a lawyer?

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Apparently the man was smothered to death between a pair of breasts.

There was no sign of a struggle.

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What happens when you put a lot of LGBT people in a long line?

You get a LGBTQ.

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