My sex life is like COVID-19.

I don't have COVID-19.

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I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today.

Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.

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I asked my date to meet me at the gym today. She didn’t show up.

That’s when I knew we weren’t gonna work out.

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TIL that a piranha can devour a whole human child in just under a minute.

Anyways, I lost my job in aquarium.

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What did the bra say to the hat?

Go on a head. I’ll give these two a lift.

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"Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"

"Yes, we arson."

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Bridge to Hawaii

One day, a man found a lamp in an old antique store and when he picked it up, POOF a genie popped out.
"I shall grant you anything you wish, but choose wisely, because I can only grant one." The genie said.
The man thought for a moment before saying, "I want a bridge from California to Hawaii so I can go there whenever I want."
The genie considered the enormity of the wish and started to bargain with the man. "Are you sure? I could grant you gold and riches, power, fame and fortune. Is this bridge really what you want?"
Hearing this the man reconsidered. After several minutes of deliberation, he finally changed his wish, "Ok, Genie, I want to know what makes women tick."
The genie was silent for a moment, deep in thought. Then he began rubbing his palms together. "Ok," he said as his hands started to smoke, "So this bridge, did you want one lane or two?"

This joke is in loving memory of my grandpa, who would be 99 today. The cleanest joke he ever told, cheers, Pa.

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