There's a man who hates his wife

He is reading the newspaper and sees an ad for a hitman named Arti who only costs a dollar! The man calls Arti and tells him that his wife goes to Walmart every Saturday at 10:00 AM. Arti goes to Walmart and waits. Then he sees the man's wife so Arti jumps over and choked her to death. But somebody saw, so he also choked them to death. But this time an employee saw so he choked them to death and ran away. The next day the man checks the newspaper, satisfied that the hitman succeeded and sees an article that says "Artichokes 3 for a dollar at Walmart!"

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Why don’t ants get Covid?

Because they have tiny little anty bodies.

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The phone rings at the local police station. “Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Craig. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!”

“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

The next day, policemen descend on the neighbor’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.

The phone rings at the neighbors house.

"Hey, Craig, did the police come?”

“Yep.”

“Did they chop your firewood?”

“Sure did, Eric. Thanks!”

“Great, now it’s your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.”

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A young kid from Alabama moves to New York

He goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. He sits down, greets the manager and shakes his hand. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid replies, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Alabama" They talk and get acquainted and the manager likes him so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come by after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he pulled through it. After the store was locked, the manager came down just like he said. "How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid replies, "One." The boss glares at him and shouts, "Just one!? Our sales people average 20-30 customers per day!" .. "How much was the sale for!?" The kid replies "$121,237.65" The boss now shocked, "What in the hell did you sell!?"

The kids says, "Well first I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then a new fishing rod. So I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he needs a good boat, we went down to that department, and he got a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull the boat so I took him to the automotive department and sold him a truck.

The boss furrowing his brow said, "A guy came here to buy a fishhook and you sold him a boat and a truck???"

The kid replied, "No, the guy came here to buy tampons for his wife and I said 'dude your weekend sounds shot, you should go fishing'.

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Why are there so many NSFW posts

It's not like we have jobs

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Just watched “Chernobyl”. Turned to my wife and asked if I could put my “Control Rod” into her “RBMK Reactor”

She said no and had a complete meltdown.

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Three western spies are captured in the USSR

Three western spies are captured in the USSR. An English spy, a French spy and an Italian spy.

First they interrogate the English spy but he refuses to speak. So they tie him up, torture him for a day and in the end he speaks.

The same thing happened with the French spy. Initially he wouldn't speak but after being tied up and tortured, he speaks.

But then came the Italian spy. He refused to speak and after being tied up and tortured for weeks, he still wouldn't speak. Admiring his bravery, the Soviets decided to let him go. Before letting him go, an officer asks him: "How did you endure all this torture and didn't speak?". To which the Italian replies: "I tried to, but my hands were tied"

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