A Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a Preacher baptizing people in the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the Preacher...

The Preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,

'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

The drunk shouts, ' Hicc..yes, I am.'

So the Preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'

The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't found Jesus.'

The Preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him Into the water again for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus my brother?'

The drunk again answers, 'No, I haven't Found Jesus.'

By this time the Preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again ---

But this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs so he pulls him up.

The Preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God, have you found Jesus..!!?'

The drunk wipes his eyes, catches his breath, and says to the preacher, 'now tell me this, are you sure this is where he fell in' ?

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A big city doctor visits an indigenous tribe of only men

He asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?" "Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. The leader of the tribe says "Since you're our guest you get to go first.". The doctor not wanting to go against their customs starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey. 15 min pass, then one of the tribeman in the group asks "Are you almost done Doc?" "We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women."

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A priest, a Baptist minister, and a rabbit walk into the Red Cross to donate blood

The nurse asks, what's your blood type?

The rabbit says, "I'm probably a Type O"

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The nurse hands a man his newborn and says "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it."

He responds "well give me the one my wife made."

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I failed my Greek Mythology exam.

It has always been my Achilles' elbow

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Lets face it English is a stupid language

There is no egg in the eggplant

No ham in the hamburger

And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.

English muffins were not invented in England

French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted

But if we examine its paradoxes we find that:

Quicksand takes you down slowly

Boxing rings are square

And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.

If the plural of tooth is teeth

Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth

If the teacher taught,

Why didn't the preacher praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables

What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?

Why do people recite at a play

Yet play at a recital?

Park on driveways and

Drive on parkways

How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day

And as cold as hell on another

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy

Of a language where a house can burn up as

It burns down

And in which you fill in a form

By filling it out

And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers

And it reflects the creativity of the human race

(Which of course isn't a race at all)

That is why

When the stars are out they are visible

But when the lights are out they are invisible

And why it is that when I wind up my watch

It starts

But when I wind up this poem

It ends.

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There’s a necrophiliac on the loose

Look alive people

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