People always asked me how I could tell them apart. Simple:
Jane paints her nails purple. John has a cock.
Thứ Tư, 10 tháng 2, 2021
She went missing !
Husband: My wife is missing. She went mountain biking yesterday and has not come home!
Officer: Age?
Husband: I'm not sure. Somewhere between 25 and 35. We don't do birthdays.
Officer: Height?
Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
OFFICER : Weight?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
OFFICER : Color of eyes?
Husband: Sort of brown I think.
OFFICER : Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember.
OFFICER : What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
OFFICER : What kind of bike is she riding?
Husband: She took my bike
OFFICER : What kind of bike was it?
Husband : A 2020, manufactured September 16th, pearl white custom built hardcore titanium sklar hardtail .with 64.5° HeadTube angle, and a reach of 490.. Shimano XTR m9100 drive train,12 speed ,10 -51 cassette, hope tech 3 E4 brakes with hope floating roaters, fox transfer factory dropper post with wolf-tooth lever, race Face atlas stem and the race Face atlas 35 riser bar w/800mm, DMR death grip, ergon SM enduro saddle, Crankbrothers synthesis E11 carbon 27.5 wheel set with maxxis DHF 2.6 tire in front and maxxis recon 2.6 in the rear. Industry 9 Hydra classic CL hubs , and race Face Chester pedals. A rockshox lyric RC2 150mm fork. At this point חן the husband started choking up.
OFFICER: Take it easy sir, We'll find your bike
While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. After two days, the doctor tells him, “I’ve got bad news for you, you have contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here in the US. We know very little about it."
The man perplexed asks, "Well, can’t you give me a shot or something to fix me up, Doc?"
The doctor answers, "I’m sorry, there's no known cure. We are going to have to amputate your penis."
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not !! I want a second opinion... !!!"
The doctor replies, "Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only option.”
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ahh... yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease."
The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid Amelican docttah, always want operate, make more money that way. No need amputate!"
"Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.
"Yes,” says the Chinese doctor. "Wait two weeks. Fall off by itself."
Al, Ben, Carl, and Dan meet at a bar every Saturday.
Dan is exceptionally optimistic. Every time one of the other three mentions something bad, Dan simply responds, "Could be worse!" This really drives them up a wall.
One Friday when Al returns home from a business trip, he, Ben, and Carl hatch a plan.
The next day Carl goes to the bar alone. "Hey," says Dan, "where's Al and Ben?"
"It's a sad story," pretends Carl. "Yesterday, when Al returned home, he found Ben in bed with his wife. He was so angry at them that he shot and killed them both. Then, realizing what he had done, he shot and killed himself."
As usual, Dan responds, "Could be worse!"
Carl is nothing short of shocked. "What?!" he sputters. "He killed his friend, his wife, and himself! How could it be worse?"
"Well," says Dan, "had he returned home a day early, I'd be dead by now."
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