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Thứ Năm, 11 tháng 2, 2021

Tom wants a job as a signalman on the railways.

He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

To find out how Tom would react under pressure, the inspector asks him: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"

Tom says, "I would switch one train onto the other track, thus averting a disaster."

"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.

"Well, I'd run down to the tracks and activate the manual lever," said Tom.

"What if that had been struck by lightning?"

"Then," Tom continues, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box."

"What if the phone was engaged?"

"Well in that case," persevered Tom, "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."

"What if the public phone was on fire?"

"Oh well, then I'd run into town and get my uncle Bill."

This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Is he in the fire department?"

"No. He's never seen a train crash."

Thứ Tư, 10 tháng 2, 2021

A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there. He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?

She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking a day off tomorrow so I can be home, just incase this guy shows up again." The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door. The husband whisperes to the wife, "Honey, im going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to a see where he's going with this." She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Vagina?" "Yes I do." says the lady. The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"

 

When I was a little kid, I thought "This little piggy went to market." meant it went shopping.

It does not.

A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.

When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"

My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Rolls Royce.

Wow,” I said. “That’s an amazing car.”

He replied, “If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I’ll get another one next year!”

I once dated a girl who had a twin.

People always asked me how I could tell them apart. Simple:

Jane paints her nails purple. John has a cock.

She went missing !

Husband: My wife is missing. She went mountain biking yesterday and has not come home!

Officer: Age?

Husband: I'm not sure. Somewhere between 25 and 35. We don't do birthdays.

Officer: Height?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

OFFICER : Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

OFFICER : Color of eyes?

Husband: Sort of brown I think.

OFFICER : Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember.

OFFICER : What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

OFFICER : What kind of bike is she riding?

Husband: She took my bike

OFFICER : What kind of bike was it?

Husband : A 2020, manufactured September 16th, pearl white custom built hardcore titanium sklar hardtail .with 64.5° HeadTube angle, and a reach of 490.. Shimano XTR m9100 drive train,12 speed ,10 -51 cassette, hope tech 3 E4 brakes with hope floating roaters, fox transfer factory dropper post with wolf-tooth lever, race Face atlas stem and the race Face atlas 35 riser bar w/800mm, DMR death grip, ergon SM enduro saddle, Crankbrothers synthesis E11 carbon 27.5 wheel set with maxxis DHF 2.6 tire in front and maxxis recon 2.6 in the rear. Industry 9 Hydra classic CL hubs , and race Face Chester pedals. A rockshox lyric RC2 150mm fork. At this point חן the husband started choking up.

OFFICER: Take it easy sir, We'll find your bike