Funny Story

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Thứ Sáu, 12 tháng 2, 2021

A man goes home with a woman he met at the bar.

When they get back to her place, she says, "I didn't want to tell you before, but I've got a fetish. I'd love it if you fucked me with your big toe."

The man, an agreeable sort, goes ahead and does it. Has a pretty good time. But a few days later, he notices his toe is red and inflamed, then it starts itching and burning.

He goes to the doctor, who seems very confused. But after a few tests, he says, "I don't know quite how to explain it, but you seem to have toe syphilis."

The man says, "Well I'll bet that's about the strangest thing you've ever seen."

The doctor responds, "Oh, you'd be surprised. I mean, just the other day I had a woman in here with athlete's vagina."

Thứ Năm, 11 tháng 2, 2021

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you you need to get "saved" or you'll "burn"..

Stupid firemen.

Today I learned that if you're in a canoe and it flips over in the water....

.....you can safely wear it on your head....because it's capsized.

After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Mark remembered he had a dentist appointment.

He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash.As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too.The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide.The dentist got close enough & said, "Man did you have a 69 before you came here?" Kevin Mark, shocked says, "Why, No! Does my breath smell like pussy?"

The dentist says, "No, but your forehead smells like ass!!!"

A man walks into an antique store and starts looking around.

Suddenly, he gazes upon the most beautiful bronze statue of a siamese cat. He asks the store owner how much he wants for the statue. The store owner replies "It's $100 for the statue and $1000 for the story that goes with it."

The man replies "I really don't care about the story, but I do want the statue. As the man is paying for the statue, the shop owner says "All right, but I guarantee you will be back for the story."

The man walks out of the shop and starts down the street carrying the cat statue. When he comes to the crosswalk, he happens to glance behind him and sees 3 or 4 cats sitting about 10 feet away, looking at him. He shrugs it off and crosses when the light changes. He goes several more blocks and, at another crosswalk, looks behind himself again. This time there are about 30 cats sitting there looking at him. The man starts to get a little nervous and picks up his pace when the light changes. By the time the man reaches the pier at the end of the street, he has now been running for several blocks. He was running because every time he turned around, there were more and more cats behind him. He looked like the pied piper. When he got to the end of the pier, he turned around once more and saw at least 10,000 cats sitting there looking at him. There were so many cats that there was no way to get off the pier without going through them and he knew there was no way he was going to do that. In a panic, he turned toward the water and heaved the statue as far as he could. Amazingly, all of the cats ran right past him and jumped in the water after the statue and drowned. The man, still shaking from his ordeal, immediately started running back to the shop. As he burst through the door, the shop owner saw him and said "I told you that you would be back for the story." The man replied "The hell with the story, gimme a statue of a politician!"

A Japanese business man living in nyc goes into the bank to exchange a large amount of US dollars into Yen....

He does the transaction with the teller, offer a polite bow accompanied by an ‘ah so’, and leaves.

He comes back in a week with another large amount of usd to exchange. This time he gets much less yen. He looks quizzically at the teller and she says to him, ‘fluctuations’!!

He angrily grabs the cash and storms out. As he’s leaving the branch he comes back in and yells at the top of his voice: ‘fluc you Americans too!!!’

A mother hears a humming sound from her daughter's bedroom and walks in.

Finding her daugher sitting on the bed using her vibrator she asked, "What are you doing?!"

"I'm a 35 year old woman living with my parents. This is the closest I'll ever get to a husband, " replies the daughter.

The mother silently leaves the room. The next day, the father hears a humming sound in the living and sees the daughter with her vibrator.

“What are you doing??“ he asks her. She gives him the same reply and the father leaves her to it.

Later in the evening, the mother hears the noise again and goes to see where its coming from. Her husband is sitting alongside the vibrator. She asks him what he's doing.

He replies, "What does it look like? I'm watching the game with my son in law."