LEGO bricks are like boobs...

...They're designed for kids, but it's the grown-ups who have more fun with them. Oh, and it hurts when someone steps on them.

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My British friend was really proud of his heritage until he found out that his great grandfather was from Transylvania.

Now he can’t even look at himself in the mirror.

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"Your honor, it is said that people are what they eat...

And therefore my client is an innocent man!"

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A man is dying. He lies in his bed with his wife next to him.

He says to her:

'you remember when i lost my job some years ago?'

'yes'

'you were by my side'

'yes'

'and when our son died in a car crash?'

'yes'

'you were by my side'

'yes'

'and now I'm dying of cancer you're still by my side'

'yes'

'you know what?'

'no'

'i think you bring me bad luck'

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Lately I've been getting turned on every time I see someone cut in two on my tv shows

So yeah I guess I'm bisectual

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Three guys are drinking at a bar

After several drinks, the first one gets up to leave. "Where do you think you're going?" ask the others. He says, "Guys I'd love to stay but I have to cut myself off. The last time we got together, I was so drunk. When I got home, I blew chunks right on the living room floor in front of my wife and my in-laws."

"That's nothing," says one of the others. "The last time we got drunk I crashed my car - into a police cruiser! I still don't have my license back."

"You think that's bad?" says the last guy. "I was so drunk that I took my mistress back to my place and forgot my wife was home!"

Just then the first guy interrupts the other two. "Guys, you don't understand. Chunks is my dog."

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Lion: You’re late. We said meet at sunset.

Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucking midget..

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