A soldier who has recently been promoted to corporal is taken to a bar by his sergeant.

The sergeant orders ten shots of tequila. The corporal is about to order the same, when the sergeant says, "Are you sure about that?"

"Of course I'm sure!" replies the corporal. "I am no longer a private. I am a corporal now!" So the sergeant lets him order ten shots of tequila.

Afterwards, the two men walk drunk out of the bar and run into two prostitutes, a blonde and a brunette. "Hey!" say the prostitutes. "Wanna have a good time?"

"I would!" says the sergeant. "Me too!" says the corporal.

"Are you sure about that?" the sergeant asks again. "Of course I'm sure!" replies the corporal. "I am no longer a private. I am a corporal now!" So the sergeant takes the blonde and the corporal takes the brunette.

"I must warn you," says the brunette, "I have the clap." Neither of the two soldiers know what "the clap" is, so the sergeant looks it up in his pocket dictionary. "It's safe," he tells the corporal.

A week later, the sergeant visits the corporal in the hospital. "Why did you tell me it was safe?" asks the corporal.

"The dictionary told me the clap only affects the privates," replies the sergeant, "and you are a corporal now."

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Two elderly couples have their weekly meet up at a table in their local park.

They take a seat, the ladies chat with one another across the table, as do the gents.

Fred asks Harold "Are you still going to that memory clinic?"

Harold says "Yes, it's been helping my memory a lot, I recommend you come along to our next session"

"What do they do there?" asks Fred.

"They teach us to remember things through word association" replies Harold.

Fred says "I might have to give it a try, what's the name of the clinic?"

Harold pauses for a while, trying to remember,

he says "Ummm, ahh, hang on... um... what's the name of that beautiful flower, the one that has thorns?"

Fred says "That'd be a rose, Harold.

Harold turns to his wife and says "Rose!, what's the name of that clinic I go to?"

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Amazing how a colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence

For example:

-Jane ate her friend's sandwich.

-Jane ate her friend's colon.

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On hearing that her elderly grandfather has just passed away, Mary goes straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asks how her grandfather has died, her grandmother replies, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Mary tells her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex will surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear. Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. It was nice, slow, and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong." She pauses, wipes away a tear and then continues, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

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We know why 6 is afraid of 7 but do you know *why* 7 ate 9?

Because you need 3 square meals a day!

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My boss said to me, “You’re the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?”

I said, “I’m not sure; it’s hard to keep track.”

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If any of you on this sub are thinking of getting married soon, consider this carefully before you do.

On the one hand, you get to wear a really cool ring.

On the other hand, you don’t.

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