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Thứ Tư, 17 tháng 2, 2021

A family is at the dinner table.

The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

Wipe his ass

I was reversing my car in the garage and asked my son to spot me, and let me know when I hit the wall.

I heard a bang. "3:45 PM", he said.

What's the difference between a clitoris and Budweiser?

A clitoris only tastes like piss for a minute.

The first Condom was invented by the Welsh using sheep intestines

The English improved upon the idea by taking the intestines out of the sheep first

They say good dads are hard to find...

But bad dads are even harder to find

A woman grants her mother's unusual dying wish.

She specifically requested pictures of her right foot be sent to an address in Rhode Island.

A couple of days later, she realizes that reversed pictures of her mother's left foot were sent instead. Unsure of the importance, but determined to fulfill her wishes, the woman travels to Rhode Island to inform the facility of the mistake.

After a long, arduous search, she finds an unmarked building in the middle of a thick forest. She rings the doorbell and, after a moment, a pleasant-looking man answers.

"Hello. I'm sorry to bother you, but my recently-deceased mother donated--"

"AH! You're Mary's daughter?" the man says, blocking the door slightly. "Yes, yes, she was a magnificent woman!"

"Yeah, well, in her dying wishes, it was noted that you requested photos of her right foot," she says, pulling out a photo packet. "These are the correct pictures. We sent you reversed photos of her left."

"Oh, excellent!" the man says, carefully taking the pictures. "Thank you so, so much. She was a long-time dear friend of the academy, and we are so grateful to honor her memory--"

The woman puts her hand up. "What's that sound...?"

Before he can stop her, the woman pushes past him and rushes into an adjacent room. There, projected on the wall, is a reversed picture of her mother's left foot...and a room full of people masturbating.

Enraged, she storms back to find the man sitting in the living room, waiting for her.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN THERE?!"

"Look," he says. "I think we got off on the wrong foot here."