Kevin the town idiot.

A guy is with a friend. He points to another guy down the street and says "Look, that's the town idiot. I'll show you. I do this every week"

He then hollers at the other guy

" Hey Kevin! Here, a gift for you, and you get to choose! One $20 bill, or five $1 bills?"

Kevin happily grabs the five notes and leaves. The guy laughs at him.

The friend happens to meet Kevin later and asks him why he picked the five bills. Doesn't he know 20 is more than 5x1?

"Yes" replies Kevin. "But the day I pick the 20 he'll stop giving me money".

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Penis Van Lesbian

Back in the 50's, a man walked into a Hollywood agent's office. He told the agent that he wanted to be a big star and that he wanted the agent to represent him. The agent asked the man's name, to which he proudly replied, "Penis Van Lesbian." Taken aback, the agent said, "If you want to be a big star, you will have to change your name." The man, somewhat offended, told the agent, "The Van Lesbian name goes back centuries and I am very proud of my name! I will never change my name! Ever!" "Then I won't be able to represent you." Said the agent. "Then good day to you, sir!" The man yelled as he stormed out of the office.

Five years later, the agent received a letter along with a check for $50,000, written out to him. He wondered if it was sent to him by mistake until he read the letter.

The letter said,

Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood and you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis Van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice..

Sincerely,

Dick Van Dyke

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A chicken goes into a library.

He goes up to the counter.

“Book book book!” He squawks.

Amused, the librarian grabs three random books from the return stack and gives them to the chicken who leaves with them.

The next day the chicken returns the three books and says “book book book” again. He gets his three books and leaves.

Once more the chicken brings them back and gets three more. This time the librarian follows the chicken, overcome with curiosity as to why a chicken would need so many books.

The chicken comes to a pond where a frog is waiting. The frog looks at each of the books his chicken friend has brought and assesses each one.

“Reddit, Reddit, Reddit.”

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A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Bulgarian businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating…

She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?"

One of the Bulgarian men says, "Can't you see? Ve arrrre all verrry, verrry hoongry."

The waitress makes a stroking motion and says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??"

One of the other businessmen replies, "The menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!"

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Little Johnny’s dad asked if Little Johnny wanted to play a game

Little Johnny asked “What game is it”?

His Dad replied saying “For the next hour, sit on the front porch, count how many blue cars drive by”.

And he sent little Johnny off to the front porch with a lollipop and promptly went to the bedroom.

“Dad! Bobby’s parents are having sex!” Shouted Little Johnny.

“How would you know that?” Shouted his dad from the bedroom.

“He’s sitting on his front porch with a lollipop, counting blue cars!” Little Johnny shouted back.

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What do you call James Bond taking a bath?

Bubble 07

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A family is at the dinner table.

The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

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