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Thứ Ba, 23 tháng 2, 2021

A boy asked a beautiful girl in a library...

"Do you mind if I sit beside you"?

The girl answered with a loud angry voice; "I don't want to spend the night with you!!" All the people in the library started staring at the boy shooting daggers in his direction. The girl then whispered to the guy saying "I study psychology and I know what dirty men like you are thinking".

The guy responded with a loud voice "$300 for one night!? That's too much!!" and all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock and the guy whispered in her ears, "I study law and I know how to make someone guilty".

A priest is riding a cab

A priest gets a taxi. While driving, the taxi driver is being extremely obnoxious. Every time the car gets into a small pit in the road, the taxi driver says "Fuck!" or "Shit!". The priest is silent. Then they accidentally hit a pothole, and the taxi driver goes "Motherfucker!". Then they hit a crack in the road and the driver yet again goes "For fuck's sake!". The priest cannot handle it no more so he goes: "Sir, why are you cussing every time? Instead of swearing, say "May the Lord have mercy" and all will be fine!".

They continue driving. For some unknown reason, the car starts drifting, the driver loses control of his car, get's its tire into a hatch in the ground so that this tire flies off in the distance, and the car itself is on the verge of turning over, so the driver shouts out: "Lord, have mercy!", and the car is immediately tipped back on, reversed back on the road, and the tire flies back into its position. The man goes: "Lord, thank you!", while the priest goes: "Jesus fucking Christ, that's new!".

Electrician comes home late

Wife: Wire you insulate?

Electrician: Watt? I'm ohm now, ain't I?

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

A lawyer dies and appears in front of the golden gates of heaven...

He finds himself at the back of a long queue of Popes.

Suddenly, St. Peter grabs him and takes him straight through the pearly gates.

“I don’t understand" the lawyer said puzzled. “There's hundreds of Popes waiting in line and you've let me in before them. Why?"

“Sir,” said St. Peter. “We’ve had lots of Popes here. But, you are our FIRST lawyer.”

A young woman visits a florist to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Yesterday?!" she gasps. "How did they hit it off so quickly?"

"Well, he's a handsome man, a really nice guy, and apparently a wonderful lover. And to top it off," he says, leaning into a whisper, "I hear he's got a 10-inch cock!"

She giggles, blushing. "Sounds like quite the catch! Where can I find him?"

"He's just a block over. But fair warning...he's also a little...kooky. He's only interested in women named after flowers. So if I ever meet a woman with a flowery name, I send her his way."

He points at the rose. "Then, he sends me a flower as a thank you. Yesterday was Rose. A week ago, I recommended Violet to him," he says, indicating a slightly wilted violet in a vase behind him.

The woman thanks him and leaves, bitterly cursing her own name. Undeterred, she visits the well-endowed florist's shop. Stepping up to the counter, she pointedly inquires, "I heard you are particularly...skilled... in certain areas?"

He smirks. "So I have been told. And who might you be?"

Her heart skips a beat at his sexy accent. "I was referred by your friend down the street. Perhaps you can...assist me?"

"Perhaps," he says, "but tell me...what is your name?"

She hesitates. Then, pouting slightly, she replies "Kristen. But everyone calls me Kris."

His smile falters, and his head sinks as he shakes his head. Kris's heart drops, knowing she's blown her chance.

"Well then...if it's not too much trouble, I'd like some flowers for my mother."

"Of course," he sighs, turning towards his menagerie of bouquets behind glass. "What kind of flowers does...she...."

Suddenly, without another word, he locks the shop door, swoops upon her, and takes her into his arms.

Three hours of mind-altering orgasms later, she bids him goodbye with a kiss, as he presents a complimentary bouquet for her mother.

"And please," he says, "tell your sweet mama she is welcome to as many flowers from my shop as she would like."

Flustered with ecstasy, she promises to convey the message, and calls her mother that night to tell her everything.

The next day, Kris feels incredible, and stops by the original florist's shop.

"I just wanted to thank you for telling me about that dashing gentleman! He was AMAZING!"

He smiles sheepishly. "I suppose I should thank you too. I just got another beautiful flower for recommending you to him."

"Really? What flower could he have possibly sent that was named after me?"

The florist sighs. "Chrysanthemum."