A man dies and goes to Hell.

Satan greets him and says, "Welcome to hell, Dave. First, the Wi-fi password is..."

Dave says, "Wait, you guys have wi-fi?"

Satan replies, "Of course we do."

"That's certainly not bad at all" says Dave.

Satan continues, "So, as I was saying, the wi-fi password is the number pi"

Read More

A blonde is going door to door trying to find some paying work She knocks on one door and an older man opens it up. "Hey mister, do you have any odd jobs I could do for cash?"

He looks her up and down and surmises that she's an idiot whom he can take advantage of.

"I'll give you ten dollars if you paint my porch. There's paint, brushes, ladders and everything you'll need next to the car in the garage."

"Sure, sounds great!"

The man closes the door, chuckling at what a great deal he's just brokered. Half an hour later, there's another knock at the door. He opens it up and there's the blonde.

"You're finished already?" he asked her incredulously.

"Yeah! It isn't really that big! But I think you should know, that's not a porch. It's a Jaguar!"

Read More

An old priest died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven

Next to him was a young Uber driver who died seconds ago from his reckless driving.

The priest was called first, and St Peter said, "For your life long career working for the church, we will give you a small studio where you can stay at for the rest of eternity."

Then St Peter turns to the Uber driver, and said, "For your 2 years as an Uber driver, we will give you a giant mansion by the lake, and a Ferrari in a heated garage."

The priest thought it was strange and unfair, and protested, "Why does the Uber driver deserve so much more than me, when I have devoted my whole life to the church and God?"

St Peter explained, "You see, during your sermons, half of the audience was sleeping, and the other half was just looking at their phones; but when the Uber driver drives, everyone was praying!"

(Translated and modernized from an old joke in a different language)

Read More

What's the difference between a Texas energy company and a Dumpster Fire?

A Dumpster Fire creates affordable light and heat.

Read More

Kegals aren't just for women!

It's just that when men do it, it's a dick move.

(First joke I've ever come up with myself, sorry if it sucks.)

(if you could improve or elaborate, feel free 😁)

Read More

I wrote down the names of all the people I hate, but my roommate used the paper to roll up his joint.

Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to see again.

Read More

She did what he said

The retiring mailman

The mailman who had been on the same route for 10 years was leaving the job.

He had made many friends on the route and decided to put a note in their mailboxes informing them.

Many on his route came out of their houses to wish him well and some even gave him an envelope with a card and/or a gift.

When he walked onto the porch of one house, the door opened and a young woman in a sheer nightgown invited him in.

She took his hand and led him upstairs to the bedroom where she undressed him and they had wild sex.

Afterwards she led him back downstairs to the dining room where there was a sumptuous lunch laid out.

As he was leaving, she handed him a five dollar bill.

“Why are you doing this for me?”, he asked.

“I’ve never even seen you look out the window when I was delivering your mail.”

“When I got your note, I wasn’t sure what I should do”, she replied.

“My husband is older than I and knows more about how things should be done so I asked him.

He said, “Fuck him, give him 5 bucks.”

The lunch was entirely my idea.”

Read More