Humans are scared of hippos because they're violent and responsible for hundreds of deaths per year

when in reality, people kill people way more per year... so that's just being hippocritical.

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What's the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn't beat cancer.

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Last night there was a seminar on how to withhold orgasms.

Nobody came.

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What do you call a Norse god who doesn't draw much attention to themselves?

Low Key.......!

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Today at the gym, i asked a girl what her new year's resolution was

She said ''Fuck you''

​

so i'm pretty excited for 2022

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An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space

“Lord”, he prays, ”I cannot stand this, please open a parking space for me and I swear I’ll give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday.”

The clouds part and the sun shines on an empty space in the car park. Without hesitation the Irishman says, “Actually never mind, I’ve found one.”

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I got the words "jacuzzi" and "yakuza" mixed up

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia

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