A scientist recently said that the “perfect earthquake” was going to strike the West Coast soon.

The evidence to support his claim was shaky at best.

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What happens when you mess up at ninja church?

The nun chucks you out

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A soldier approached a nun

Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later." The nun agreed... A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria." The nun said, "I understand completely." The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don't want to go to Syria either."

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I keep forgetting what the opposite of night is called.

I gave up and just called it a day.

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"I'm so fucking wet, give it to me already!" she screamed.

She could yell all she wanted but i was keeping the umbrella.

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A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and his poorly behaved 3 year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that the grandfather has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle, etc. Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Albert, we won't be long - easy, boy." Another outburst and she hears Gramps calmly say, "Its okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps again, in a controlled voice, is saying “Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert." Very impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. "You know, sir, it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. Albert is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

“Thanks, lady," said Gramps, "But, I'm Albert - the little bastard’s name is Steve and I'm going to beat the shit out of him when I get him home.

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My four year old daughter has been learning Spanish now for over a year but she still can’t seem to say “please”

I think that’s poor for four

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