The head of an organized crime syndicate realized his accountant had been skimming money from him for years.

Unfortunately the accountant only spoke Russian. So the boss hired a Russian interpreter and busted into the accountant’s home. He tells to the interpreter, “tell him I want to know where my money is, AND I WANT TO KNOW RIGHT NOW!!” The interpreter conveys the message in Russian and the accountant responds. The interpreter says, “he says he don’t know what you’re talking about.” At that point the boss takes out a gun and holds it to the accountant’s head. “Tell him if he gives me my money, I’ll let him live. If he doesn’t, I’ll SPLATTER HIS BRAINS...

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My wife hated my impulse purchase of an expensive revolving chair, but then she sat on it.

Eventually she came around....

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What do you call an indecisive potato?

A hesitater....

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Did you know R-Kelly was nearly a professional hockey player?

The problem was he just never wanted to score after the first period....

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Never trust people who renovate kitchens

they specialize in counterfeiting....

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A man picks up a hitchhiker on the side of the road

The hitchhiker says, " I'm surprised you picked me up. I could've been a serial killer." The driver responded, "The chance of two serial killers being in the same car is astronomical."...

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A man walked into a sandwich shop...

This shop was the talk of the town. Fresh and new delicious sandwiches made each day. The man ordered a footlong sub sandwich with all the fillings. He sat down and took a bite. And spat it out immediately in disgust. The bread was stale, almost rock hard, and tasted foul. The man lifted the top of his sub off and saw a dead fly stuck to a slice of tomato, and cigarette ash sprinkled all through the meat. Horrified, the man felt sick and ran outside for fresh air. He stood there, hunched over, when he saw something even more terrifying. A group...

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