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Thứ Tư, 10 tháng 3, 2021

Little Johnny is on recess playing on the playground when he see his dad drive into the woods next to the school.

Curious as to what his dad's doing, little Johnny decided to skip school to see what was going on.

When he gets to the woods he finds his dad there with his aunt Jenny. Well aunt Jenny is on her knees helping Johnny's dad relieve himself.

After school little Johnny runs home to tell his mom what he saw. " Momma, you'll never guess what I seen dad and aunt Jenny doing in the woods."

Little Johnny's mom stops him right there and says, " wait til your father gets home to tell me the rest.

Later at dinner, while the whole family is there, little Johnny's mom say, " hey Johnny didn't you say you had something to to tell me?"

"Yeah," says Johnny, " I seen dad and aunt Jenny in the woods doing what you and the neighborhood guy do."

How much room do fungi need to grow?

As mushroom as possible

Thứ Ba, 9 tháng 3, 2021

What is a doctor who specializes in Adam's apples called.

A guyneckologist.

A man walks into a bar, and sees a huge jar sitting on the counter.

The jar is stuffed with $10 bills. There has to be at least twenty grand in there. Curious, he approaches the bartender.

He asks, "What's the deal with the jar?"

The bartender replies, "You put ten bucks in, and if you complete three challenges, you win the entire jar."

"What are the challenges?"

"The money first."

The man's feeling game, so he fishes a ten-dollar bill out of his pocket and stuffs it into the jar. "Tell me," he says.

"Okay," the bartender says. "First, you gotta drink a whole bottle of tequila in sixty seconds or less, without pulling a face or puking.

"Second, there's a large and angry pit bull chained up out the back. It has a bad tooth. You have to pull that tooth out with your bare hands.

"Third, there's a 90-year-old lady upstairs who's never had sex in her life. You have to go up there and nail her."

The man is stunned. "You'd have to be crazy to attempt all of that."

"It's up to you," the bartender says, "but your money stays in the jar."

Well, the night goes on and the man has a few drinks, and he keeps looking over at the jar, until finally he gets back up says, " I'll do it! Hand me that tequila!"

The bartender hands the man a bottle of tequila, which he unscrews and chugs down in under a minute without making a face. He throws the empty bottle to the ground and charges drunkenly out the back door, where he sees the chained-up pit bull.

From inside the bar, the bartender hears growling and barking and snarling and screaming, and then silence.

The man staggers back inside. His clothes are ripped to shreds and covered in blood, and all over him are cuts and scratches and bite-marks.

"I did it!" he slurs. "Now, where's that old lady with the bad tooth!"

Insomnia is terrible. But on the plus side...

Only three more sleeps till Christmas

A man was dumping toxic waste into a river.

Suddenly, the sky darkened, lightning flashed, and a glowing woman appeared, hovering above the river.

"For your crimes, I curse you to only speak in words related to water!", she intoned, and then vanished in another flash of lightning.

The man stood, shocked, before gathering his wits and muttering, "Well dam".

Old Butch

John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young laying hens, called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

Any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell just from listening, which rooster was never performing. John could sit on the porch and log a performance report by just listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen, but one morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing.

To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. Butch had learned to not chase the pullets, instead he would just quietly walk up on a pullet, do his job and walk on.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Saint Lawrence County Fair and he became an overnight sensation with the judges. The judges not only awarded old Butch the "No-Bell Piece-Prize," they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.