I asked her how my baby cyst-er is doing.
Thứ Tư, 10 tháng 3, 2021
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'" asked the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well. I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite donkey Bessie into the... "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'". Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Police officer on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say." Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the motorway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Policeman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the officer came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me."
He said, "Your donkey was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"
I was verbally harassed by two kids at the park today
So I told them off. Then their mother came over to me and said "Leave them the fuck alone! They're my fucking kids!"
Trying to think of a witty comeback, I asked her "Are they twins?"
She replied, "Of course they're not twins you fucking idiot, one is seven and the other is twelve! How could you possibly think they were twins?!"
I replied, "Well, I couldn't imagine anyone fucking you twice."
There once was a mathematician.
He made it his life’s goal to tackle one of the greatest unsolved calculus problems in history. For months he worked, filling blackboards with numbers and lines, to no avail.
After a year of struggling, he was ready to give up. He pulled out the bottle of wine that was meant to toast his success, popped the cork and poured a glass.
After drinking it half way, he stood staring at his work, just hoping for some glimpse of clarity. On finishing his glass, he found a typo in an equation, and cautiously corrected it. He poured another glass.
Halfway through the second, he noticed another transcription error and fixed it. Was this finally working? Finish the glass, pour another.
4 or 8 glasses later, and everything is working! Chalk flying, numbers matching, equations balancing, heart pounding! He was doing it! It all made sense! Visions of Nobel prizes and speeches floated through his mind as he put the final touches on his magnum opus.
He sauntered down the hall that night victorious, called an Uber and rode home as the new king of calculus.
The next day, he caught a bus to work, anxious to document his finest work. He arrived to find... chaos. Some of the numbers... not even numbers. For some reason he had circled a number and wrote “threeve?” There were smily faces and rude drawings.
It was drivel. The mad scribbles of an intoxicated and desperate man. All hope of fame and fortune fell helplessly to the ground.
And that’s when he knew, it was true what they say.
Never drink and derive.
Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?"
The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." He knocks on wood for good luck. He then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
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