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Thứ Sáu, 19 tháng 3, 2021

An Irish man goes fishing

The rain was pouring down outside O'Connor's Irish Pub. There standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water.

A passer-by stopped and asked him, "What are you doing?" “Fishing” replied the old man. Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, “Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me.”

In the warm ambiance of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman, being a bit of a superior smart ass, cannot resist asking,

"So how many have you caught today?”

"You're the 8th", replied the old man.

So, I asked my grandfather why he doesn’t have a life insurance

He answered: “Because I want you to be truly sad when I am gone”

A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his community.

All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" (Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come into him, and will dine with him, and he with me.) and stuck it in the door.

The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was a notation, "Genesis 3:10.” Upon opening his Bible to the passage he let out a roar of laughter. (And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked.)

"I'm getting really worried about my mom," the guy says.

The last few times i visited her she can't remember my name." "Is it Alzheimer's?" his friend asks. "No," the guy says in disgust. "It's Steve."

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries and did research, but found the prices to be too high.

My daughter is inviting all of her friends, and I'll look bad if I don't put together a good cake, he thought. Then, he stumbled upon a shop that opened once a year to provide free cake to its customers.

How quaint, the father thought, but desperate, he walked inside to see if they could provide a cake for his daughter's birthday.

He was met by a Buddhist monk chanting and lighting incense.

"Hello," the father asked, "I would like to buy a cake."

"Of course," the monk replied, "just draw a picture of the cake you would like on the notepad on the desk."

The father thought this to be weird, but wanting to save as much money as possible, he gave him the address and told him to come in the backdoor, just in case the cake was bad.

The day of the party arrived and the monk visited the house with the most extravagant cake the family had ever seen. All of the guests were in awe, and whispered to each other about how much the cake could have cost.

The monk became the guest of honor and at the end of the party, the father approached the monk and asked,

"Why do you do this for free? You should take money for your services!"

The monk smiled and said, "I do this for free because a cake day is the best way to earn karma."

The daughter and one of her friends overheard this and the daughter repeated the monk's response to the friend.

"I know, I just heard him say that." her friend responded.

"Yes," the daughter said, "but repeating a joke on your cake day is the second best way to earn karma."

Thứ Năm, 18 tháng 3, 2021

Went for a job interview for a blacksmiths apprentice

I was asked "have you ever shooed a horse before?" I said "no, but I once told a donkey to fuck off"

WANTED: A man has been stealing wheels off of police cars

It’s safe to say the police are working tirelessly to catch him.