Two Canadians Die and End Up In Hell

Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.

He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down. He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue. Furiously, he asks them what they're doing.

"Well, we can't pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!"

Satan realizes he's been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it's at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth.

He knows he's won now, so he goes back to the Canadians' room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement.

He shouts at them in fury, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!"

They look at him and shout at the same time, "Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!!!

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A man walks into a bar and orders a beer, and sees a large jar of $10 bills sitting on the bar.

"What's with the large jar of money?" he asks the bartender.

"We're having a little contest. You put $10 into the jar, and go out back and try to make the horse laugh. If he laughs, you get all the money. There's only one week left, and if no one gets it the jar is mine, almost $500!" the bartender replied

The man decided to give it a go. He put his $10 in the jar, and headed out the back door. A few minutes later he walks back in, the bartender looks back, and the horse is rolling on the ground laughing histerically.

"Thanks for the beer." the man said, "Now I'll take my reward and head on home!"

The bartender was baffled and disappointed that he didn't get the money, "Not so fast" he replied as he secured the jar. "Double or nothing, if you can make the horse cry it's yours." He took $500 out of the register and slammed it on the bar next to the jar.

"You know what, you're on!" the man said, and pulled $500 out of his walled and put it on the bar.

The man once again headed out the back door. A few minutes later, he walks back in, the bartender looks back, and the horse sobbing uncontrollably.

"Thanks for the money!" the man said.

As he was packing up his new fortune, the bartender pondered. No one had even made the horse twitch, let alone laugh AND cry.

"How did you do it? I have to know!" the bartender asked.

The man replied "The first time I walked out, I told the horse my cock was bigger than his. The second time, I showed him!"

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I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she whispered in my ear "You have the biggest penis I've ever laid my hands on!"

I said "Na, you're just pullin' my leg!"

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A drunk guy enters a taxicab...

- Take us to the...

- ”Us”? Which ”us”, you're alone!?

Drunk guy looks at him, somewhat bewildered:

- Wh-what, are you saying you ain't going?

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

   The first mathematician orders a beer 

The second orders half a beer 

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies 

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."

"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along"

"There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to."

"But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-"

"I know how limits work" interjects the bartender  "Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics"

"Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?" 

"HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches 

Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade.  The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA"

The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!" 

The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish. 

A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?" 

"It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."

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If you see a class being taught by Gandalf, avoid it.

Because

YOU SHALL NOT PASS!

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Why did Eminem get fired from his job as a bartender?

He kept telling people “You only get one shot”

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