Joe wanted to buy a Harley motorcycle

He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it......

The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in mint condition......

He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years......

'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.It protects it from the rain, and he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.....

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.....

Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family.....

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.

In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.....

"No problem"... He says.. An in they go....

Joe is shocked.Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.....

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks dirty dishes.....

They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.....

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.....

He leans over and kisses Sandra.....

No one says a word.....

He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word.....

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents......

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.....

He looks at her mum. She's got a great body too.....

Joe grabs mom, bends her over the table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table.

She has a big orgasm, an Joe sits down....

His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, am Mum is beaming from ear to ear. But still.....Total silence.....

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.....

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.....

Suddenly the father shouts. I'll do the fuckin’ dishes.....!!

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How do you lure a perv? {NSFW}

By just adding the NSFW tag to the post.

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An alter boy goes in for Confession...

An alter boy goes in for Confession, and he sits down across from the priest and says "Forgive me Father for I have sinned; I slept with a girl in my grade at another school."

The priest says "All will be forgiven. But for my own curiosity, who was it?"

"Father, I promised her I wouldn't tell a soul. I don't even think she'd be comfortable with me telling you."

"It wasn't Kathleen O'Reilly, from St. Mary's, was it?"

"Father, she made me promise not to tell."

"Was it Sophia Lopez, from Holy Family?"

"Father, I don't want her to get a reputation."

"It couldn't have been Maria Fratelli, at St. Augustine's?"

"Father, you don't understand how important it is to her that I keep this a secret."

"Was it Emma Leblanc, from Sacred Heart?"

"Father, she really doesn't want word of this to get around."

The priest thought for a minute. Finally he said "I admire your dedication to your friend, but I can't let this transgression go unpunished. You are suspended from the alter guild for three months. Each night during your suspension, recite the Act of Contrition and pray the rosary before going to bed, and all will be forgiven. Now run along."

The newly-suspended alter boy hops out of the church and crosses the street, where his friend is waiting for him. His friend asks "So what did you get?"

"Three months of vacation and four good leads."

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One day, a recently married man goes to the attic of his new home to put a few things in storage.

While he is there, he notices a large steamer trunk sitting in the corner. When he tries to open it, he finds it is locked. Puzzled and curious, he calls his new bride up to the attic and asks her about the trunk.

She tells him that it is hers and that it only contains some personal things. He accepts her answer and eventually forgets all about the matter.

Three years later when he is cleaning out the attic, he runs across the trunk and again asks his wife what's in it. She again tells him that it contains only personal things, but this time he is more persistent. So she sits him down and reminds him that she makes him happy when he's feeling down, that she keeps the house meticulously clean, that she cooks him fantastic meals 7 days a week, and that she gives him all the sex he wants, anytime he wants it. Then she tells him if he is happy with all of those things, that he should forget about the trunk because she will not talk about it. "Fair enough," says the husband, and he finishes cleaning out the attic.

On their 25th wedding anniversary, he pulls the trunk down the stairs, into the middle of the living room floor, and calls to his wife. "Honey," he says, "we've been married for 25 years and I think it's time we had a heart-to-heart talk. What the hell is in that trunk?" The wife immediately protests, reminding him once again about the clean house, the good food and the great sex. "I don't care," he tells her. "After 25 years we ought to be able to talk about anything. Now open this goddamn trunk!"

So, she takes a key from a chain hanging around her neck and opens the trunk. Inside is three ears of corn and 25 thousand dollars in cash.

"Jesus Christ!" shouts the surprised husband. "What's going on here? Where did all of this come from?"

"Well, sweetie," replies the wife, "you said we could talk, so I'll tell you what you want to know. Over the years, I tried to stay faithful to you, but I wasn't always successful. Every time that I cheated on you, I put an ear of corn into the trunk."

The husband cannot believe the shocking confession that he has just heard, but after mulling it over in his mind for a few moments he says to his wife, "All right, I admit I'm not too thrilled about this, but I did say we should be honest with each other, and I guess I can live with three incidents of infidelity in 25 years. But where did all the money come from?"

"Well," she replies, "whenever the trunk got full, I sold the corn."

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Reposts...

r/Jokes has a search feature, input the title or punchline of your joke (before posting) and if it's been posted within the last month - please don't submit it.

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A man goes on vacation to Israel with his wife and his stepmother. While in Israel, his stepmother died at the hotel. The people there told him:

"Sir, if you want to bury her back in the United States, it's going to cost you $5,000 to bring back her corpse. But since she died at the hotel, we can do the funeral here in Israel for free. r>

The man immediately refused and said he would pay the $5,000 fee to do the funeral back home.

When in the USA, his wife came up to him and said:

"I really love what you just did for my mom. That proves me that you actually loved my mother and you respected her"

Man: Babe, are you crazy?! Those Israelis are the same people who buried Jesus and three days later he came back to life. I'm not about to take that risk with your mother.

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When I was a teen, my dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.

All the slides were just pictures of me.

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