Jesus and Moses are relaxing on a boat and talking about the good old days.

The subject of miracles comes up, and they decide to see if they can still perform them.

"It's been almost 4000 years since I did this one" Moses says, then raises his arms. The water parts, revealing the floor of the lake.

Jesus claps His hands and says "Good one! It's only been about 2000 years since I did this" and steps off the boat onto the water, and sinks into the lake.

Moses parts the water and throws a line down to the soaking wet Jesus, and helps Him back onto the boat.

Jesus says "That was embarrassing. I guess I need to clear my mind and focus." Jesus closes His eyes, takes a deep, slow breath, then steps off the boat again. Again He sinks to the bottom of the lake.

Moses parts the water and helps Jesus up again. Moses says "Hey, maybe we should just head back and You can try again tomorrow" but Jesus says "No, I can do this." He mouths a silent prayer, winks at the sky, and again sinks when He steps off the boat.

Moses parts the water a third time and helps Jesus up. Jesus looks shaken and looks at His feet, then smiles.

"I know what's wrong now. Last time I didn't have these damn holes in my feet."

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Dog walks into a telegraph office...

Says he wants to send a message.

"Sure" says the clerk, "what's the message?"

"Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof."

Clerk says, "OK, but for the same price, there's enough room for one more 'woof'".

Dog wrinkles his brow and replies, "But that wouldn't make any sense.."

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What is the most sensitive thing on a man when he is masturbating?

His hearing.

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A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.

She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said,”Children, I’d like you to close your eyes and taste these.” The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped. “I’ll give you a hint,” said the teacher. “It’s somethin your mommy and daddy probably call each other all the time.” Instantly, Little Johnny coughed his onto the floor and shouted, “Quick! Spit’em out! They’re assholes

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A girl was throwing stones in her backyard one day

She threw one a little too hard and it came back and hit her in the eye. She ran inside yelling and crying and her parents drove her to the hospital

The doctor tells the family that her eye is going to have to be removed and she’ll need a prosthetic. The family doesn’t have a lot of money and can’t afford a proper glass eye, so instead they get one made of wood.

For the next few years the girl endures every bit of teasing and every joke about her eye that comes her way. She ends up being very shy and lonely.

Then she hears her school is having a dance and she decides to go. She gets dressed up and looking very nice and leaves for the dance.

At the dance she stands off to the side hoping someone might ask her to dance. Eventually she spots a boy her age sitting down across the room. He has a prosthetic leg and seems to be in the same situation she is.

She crosses the room, goes up to him and asks if he wants to dance. He gets so excited, jumps out of his chair and cries “Oh boy would I!”

The girl scowls at him, yells out “peg leg” and walks off

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A man walks into a bank and says to the the clerk, “I want to open a fucking account in this damn bank.”

The woman, astonished, replies: “I beg your pardon, such language is not tolerated in our bank.”

She then leaves the window and walks over to her manager to explain the situation.

The manager agrees that the clerk shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of language.

They both return to the window and the manager asks the man: “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?”

“There is no fucking problem” says the man.

“I just won $200 million in the damn lottery and I want to put my fucking money in this damn bank.”

“Oh, I see.” says the manager. “And is this bitch giving you a hard time, Sir?”

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An attractive woman once asked if I was more interested in breasts or legs. I told her that I was mainly into feet and anal.

I'm no longer welcome at that KFC restaurant.

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