Should've been more specific

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

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Three prisoners are being transported to the prison where they will spend the rest of their lives. On the way there they have a chat about the things they're taking with them.

The first prisoner says:

• I've got a drawing kit. When I'm behind bars, I want to spend the rest of my life making art.

The second says:

• I've got cards. Now I can play stuff like poker, blackjack or bridge.

The third one says:

• And I've got a box of tampons.

The other two ask him:

• Why tampons?

He replies:

• Why wouldn't I? The box says that I can ride a bike, jog, ski, skate on ice...

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3 Bats are competing who can drink more blood.

The first bat goes away and comes back after some time looking pretty bloody. "You see that village over there?" " yes" "well i drank all blood there". Than secont bat goes away and comes back after more time looking bloodier than the first one "You see that town over there?" "Yes" "well i drank all the blood there". The third bat now goes a way and gets back after just a minute looking bloodier than bought of the other bats. "So where did you go"

"You see that lamp over there?"

"Yes"

"Well i didn't see it"

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Bravery

The Russian said, “I will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors.”

He calls a sailor over and says, “Jump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up.”

The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front of the admiral and salutes.

The Russian says, “That, gentlemen, is courage."

The American says, “That's nothing.”

He calls over a PO and says, “I want you to jump off the bows. Swim under the ship to the stern and then return."

The PO salutes, jumps off the bow, swims to the stern, and climbs back up to stand in front of the admiral and salutes.

The American says, “That, gentlemen, is courage."

The British admiral says, “That's nothing. Sailor, come here."

The matelot comes to attention and salutes.

The admiral says, “I want you to climb the highest mast on the carrier, jump off, swim under the boat from bow to stern and then from beam to beam then climb up the mast and do it again."

The matelot looks at the admiral and says, “You can fuck right off, sir!”

The admiral turns to the other two and says, “And that, gentlemen, is courage."

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The Ketchup shortage this year was so predictable.

But I guess Heinz sight is 2020

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I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.

So I had to ground him. He's doing better currently. And conducting himself properly ...

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What did the blind man say when he touched sandpaper for the first time?

"What the fuck did I just read?"

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