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Thứ Bảy, 17 tháng 4, 2021

The Marine on the Train

A Marine boarded a train on his way home from deployment. The train was quite crowded, and the Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed middle-aged French woman, but when he got there he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude.. My little Fifi is using that seat.." The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, Ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!" An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

Little boy in the bath with his mom. "What’s that hairy thing mom?"

His mom replies, "That’s my sponge." "Oh yes," says the boy, "the babysitter’s got one, I've seen her washing dad’s face with it."

What do you call a french man wearing sandals?

Phillipe phillope

What does James Bond's doorbell sounds like?

''Dong, Ding Dong''

What kind of pet shop is this? (NSFW, original)

Joe had a dog that he loved dearly. Only one problem - no matter what he did, he just could not get the dog to stop soiling the carpet. Joe tried everything, read every book on dog training, bought every device on the market. But the dog just refused to be housebroken. Finally, he saw an ad for a pet shop that guaranteed it help can train any pet to do just about anything its owner wants. Even though it sounded too good to be true, Joe gave it a try.

The pet shop was very weird. Inside, half the shop was full of bones and dog treats. The other half of the shop was full of dildos, sex toys, and lubricant. It seemed the shop sold both. In the middle, behind the register, was a pleasant-looking man holding an old leather book.

Joe asked if the man could help house train his dog.

“Sure can,” he said. “See, this here is a magical book. I can rent it out to you. All you do is read the first page to your dog. And then the book gives your dog whatever he wants in order for him to do whatever you’re trying to train him to do. Works just about every time. Just bring it back here when you’re done. Oh, and make sure you have plenty of space.”

Joe thanked the man and rented the book. A few days later he comes back with the old leather book in hand.

“Well, my dog is house trained now,” said Joe. “Only problem is my house is filled top to bottom with steaks. Thousands and thousands of steaks. What the hell am I supposed to do with all that meat?”

“Do the same thing I did,” said the shopkeeper. “Open a business. My dog wanted more treats than he could ever possibly eat. And it turns out my cat wanted me to go fuck myself.”

Covid restrictions...

I'm down with social distancing, but I think my local grocery store has gone too far.

They've put a big X on the floor to show where to stand in line at the register.

I've seen enough Roadrunner cartoons, I'm not falling for that.

Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie doll?

Ken came in another box.