Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was... At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody else in the island... He eventually built a cabin, had a functioning automatic potable water supply, and all sorts of little clever commodities, all done to make her life easier... it was the most effort any man had ever done for her, and all the hard work made...

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A bus full of nuns crashes and they all die and go to the pearly gates.

There they are met by St Peter. St Peter asks the first nun: "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" The Sister replies: "Yes, with the tip of my finger" "OK, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy water and in you go" The next sister approached St Peter and He made the same question: "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" "Yes, I once gave a hand job." "Put your hand in the holy water and in you go." At this point one of the nuns at that back starts pushing and shoving her way to the front, when she gets there St Peter asks: "Why are you in...

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I asked Vincent van gogh to get me 6 eggs from the store, he came back with three...

Forgot he can only hear half of what I'm saying...

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek. The brunette thinks "I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert." The blonde thinks "I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast." The Frenchman thinks "I bet that perfidious Englishman...

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We shouldn't mix races, it's immoral and honestly pretty gross.

That's why I hate triathlons....

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What do you call a person with 2 donkeys?

Biased...

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What does a woman’s asshole and a 9-volt battery have in common?

You know it’s wrong, but you put your tongue on it anyway....

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