My husband asked me if I could clear the kitchen table.

I had to get a running start but I made it

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Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist said I could be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle.

So I guess it was an ether/oar situation.

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On a crowded train, travelling somewhere in Europe.

A U.S. Marine walked the entire length of the train looking for a seat before realizing that the only seat available was currently occupied by a well-dressed, middle-aged French woman's poodle.

The weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed, and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat." The Marine walked the entire length of the train again, and discovered that the only seat available was in fact the one currently being occupied by the poodle. Trudging tiredly back, the marine arrived once more before the French woman and said, “Please Ma'am, may I sit down? I'm very tired?” She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant. Why should I care if you are tired?" This time, the Marine didn't say a word, but simply picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, then sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone, defend my honour! This American needs to be put in his place!" An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold your fork in the wrong hand, and you drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

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I beat a chess grandmaster in only three moves

Turns out he's pretty shit at karate.

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My friend has hired a Butler without a left arm.

Serves him right.

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My wife suggested I get a penis enlarger

So I did, she's 21 and her name is Krystal

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A woman in her 70s decided it was finally time to get married.

She put an add out in the newspaper. "Husband wanted. Must not beat me, must not walk all over me, must still be good in bed"

She got many applicants but after a few weeks she didn't find anybody suitable. She was about to give up, when she heard her doorbell ring. She opens the door to find a man with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair.

"Can I help you?" She asks.

The man smiles and says "Its me, your new husband!"

"You must be joking..." The woman laughs.

"Well think about it," he says. "I have no arms so i cannot beat you. I have no legs so i cant walk all over you."

The woman's eyes narrow and she asks "Are you still good in bed?"

The man leans back in his chair and smiles. "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"

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