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Thứ Ba, 20 tháng 4, 2021

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice.

"I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away.

Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man.

"What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, what?"

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

Thứ Hai, 19 tháng 4, 2021

Nobody will upvote a cake joke on my cake day...

Feeling desserted.

I was a flat earther for 3 years.

Then I turned 4.

In honour of my first cake day, here's a few of my favourite riddles. Feel free to try them on your friends.

Q: What gets bigger, the more you take away from it?

A: A hole

Q: What two words have thousands of letters in them?

A: Post office

Q: The maker doesn't want it, the buyer doesn't use it and the user doesn't see it. What is it?

A: A coffin

Q: What travels all over the world, but stays in the corner?

A: A stamp

Q: What runs all around a field, but doesn't move?

A: A fence

Q: What starts with E, ends with e and only has one letter in it?

A: Envelope

My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...

So I called her Bluff...

I have a friend who was obsessed with the moon.

Lunar cycles, werewolf lore, eclipse dates, he knew all about them and then some. The really strange part was he focused solely on the moon in this way, no other part of space.

Made him easy to shop for though. Werewolf movies, moon pies, he'd love them just for being tangentially connected to the moon, and even just neat pictures of the moon excited him.

Then came his most recent birthday, where we saved up and bought him actual moon rocks. He opened the gift, but he didn’t seem enthused at all. "What's wrong?" We asked.

He sighed. "It's nothing. I guess I'm... over the moon."

This girl ran up to me at the cemetery and said "I need to pass through the cemetery but I'm scared to walk alone. Can you walk with me across?"

I said "Oh yeah of course. Don't worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive too."