Teamster in a whore house

So a Teamster goes to Vegas for the annual conference and while he's there, asks one of his local brothers where a good whore house can be found. The local gives him three options. At the first house, he asks the Madame how much for a girl. "$100" " what's the split? " "Girl gets $25, house gets $75." So he leaves. At the second house, he's told a girl costs $100 "What's the split?" " House gets $60, girl gets $40" So he leaves At the third house he's told a girl will cost $100 "What's the split?" " girl gets $75, house gets $25" " hot damn! That's a price a working man can live with! " Looking over the room, he sees a blonde with big tits giving him a look. So he runs over, grabs her by the arm, and starts to head upstairs. The Madame stops him and points over at a woman in her 70s with bad skin, stringy hair, and one good tooth. "Not so fast! Darlene has seniority."

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An Indian shop owner is on his deathbed in hospital.

An Indian shop owner is on his deathbed in hospital. His family comes to visit him as he his waking up from a deep sleep. He looks around the room in a daze and calls out to them.

"Padma, my beautiful wife, are you here" "Yes I am here my husband", she says

"Kajol, my daughter, are you here" "Yes I am here father", she says

"Suren, My son, are you here" "Yes I am here father", he says

"Well, if all of you are here, then who is looking after the bloody shop" yells the father

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A poor Irish family

A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income.

One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead.

"There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.

The mom walks outside and sees the dad and the cow on the ground.

"I can't live without my husband," she says as she shoots herself with her husband's gun.

The daughter walks outside and sees her mother, father and cow dead.

"I can't live any longer without my family," she says as she jumps into the river and kills herself.

The oldest son, 23 years old, walks outside looking for the family and sees them all dead.

"Is there anyway to bring them back," he yells at the sky.

Poof! A female leprechaun appears.

"I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you."

The boy fucks her 3 times in a row and he dies.

The middle son, 19 years old, comes out and sees the leprechaun. She gives him the same offer as his brother.

"I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you."

The son agrees to do it but can only do it 4 times. He dies.

The youngest son, 15 years old, comes out and is given the same offer.

"I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you."

The son says, "What if I fuck you 10 times in a row?"

The leprechaun thinks. She says, "I will bring back your family and give you my pot of gold.

The son says, "Wait, how do I know you will survive it?"

"What do you mean?" says the leprechaun.

"The cow didn't."

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Memories - Robin Williams Told this Originally

I was moving to California when I stopped at one of those old Indian trading posts somewhere in the desert.

One of the attractions there was an Native American with a sign beside him that read "this man has greatest memory in the world $5 per question" So I paid my $5 and asked him a question.

"What did you have for breakfast on the eighth of January 1993?"

He says "Eggs"

So 5 years later I'm moving away from California to another job and I stop with my U-Haul at the same place and I walk up to the guy again and I decide to do the traditional native American greeting I up up my hand and say "How"

and he says

"Scrambled"

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Almost no one knows what the initials T and S stand for in T.S. Eliot’s name.

It’s Top Secret.

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One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him  

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."  

"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"  

So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.  

But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.  

The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :

 "Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

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Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen doughnuts.

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