An old man walks into a jewelry with a much younger gal

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We will take it.' The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By check.I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I will write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I will pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'Sir...There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.'

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A very attractive girl goes to confession (NSFW)

Girl: "Forgive me Father for I have sinned"

Priest: "What did you do Child?"

Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."

Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"

Girl: "Because he touched my hand."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he touched my breast."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)

Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"

Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"

Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

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Sex and Golf

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to first-year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'  

She replied, 'Probably golfing with his buddies.’  

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.

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Can everyone who is here for the yodelling lessons...

Please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue.

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Did you know "T-shirt" is short for "tyrannosaurus shirt".....

because they have short arms?

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A woman decides to kill her self

She has had enough. Everyone is seeing her as a object and wants to have sex with her. So she jumps out of the 5th floor.

A man in the 4th floor sees her falling and catches her.

"What do you think you're doing?", he says, "Life is good. We can go to cinema. We can have some Ice Cream. And then... You know. We can come back to my place and have some sex."

"You're just like everyone else.", she says and jumps again.

​

A man in the 3rd floor catches her.

"What do you think you're doing?", he says, "Life is good. We can go to the beach. We can have some Coffee. And then... You know. We can come back to my place and have some sex."

"You're just like everyone else.", she says and jumps again.

​

A man on the 2nd floor catches her.

"What do you think you're doing?", he says, "Life is good. We can go to the park. We can have some Cake."

​

"And then?", she asks.

​

"Then we can go swimming. And drink a beer.", he says.

​

"Aren't we going to have sex?", she asks.

​

He says: "Get out of my apartment you fucking bitch." and throws her out of the window.

​

(I'm very sorry for butchering this joke while translating.)

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A poor Jewish tailor has a son...

So he goes to see the mohel and tells him, "My son must be circumcised, but I have no money to pay you." After thinking for a moment, the mohel gets a huge jar from his shelf and gives it to the tailor. "For all my years as a mohel, I haven't known what to do with all the foreskins, so I put them in this jar. Take them and make something for me, and you don't have to pay." A week goes by and the tailor returns to hand the mohel a wallet. He looks at it in disbelief, "It is very nice, but all those foreskins and you could only make a wallet?" The tailor answers, "Yes, but if you rub it a little, it becomes a suitcase."

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