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Thứ Tư, 19 tháng 5, 2021

The man who loved tractors.

There was a farmer, who absolutely loved his tractors. He collected all kinds of tractors and tractor memorabilia. The only thing he cared more for, was his lovely wife.

One day, he heard his wife make an awful scream out in the fields. He sprinted outside to find her body crushed by a tractor.

He was mortified, and promptly sold all of his tractors, all his tractor posters and collectibles, the lot.

A few years later, he meets a nice lady and decides he is ready to move on and try and find love once again.

While out to dinner with this young woman, the room begins to fill with smoke, completely enveloping the room.

The farmer says “Don’t worry, I will handle this”, and takes a big breath in and sucks up all the smoke. He sprints outside and blows all the smoke into the street.

When sitting back down, the woman says to the man “that was incredible, how did you do that?”. To which the man replies “Oh it was nothing, I’m an ex-tractor fan”

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party.

They were ready to leave when the wife came down with a headache. She told her husband to go to the party, no need to miss it because of her headache. So the husband left for the party.

About an hour later his wife's headache went away and she felt better. She put on her costume and went to the party. As she arrived, she spotted her husband cavorting around the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. The wife siddled up to him and let him go as far as he wished, naturally because he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So they went off to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before midnight unmasking she slipped away and went home, got in bed, and wondered what kind of explanation he would have. As he entered the bedroom she asked, "Did you have a good time? Did you dance much?"

He replied, "You know I never have any fun if you are not with me. I never danced one dance, When I got there I met some of my friends and we played cards. I lent my costume to some guy. He said he had a terrific time."

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Ethiopian all sit in the hospital lobby as their wives are giving birth.

After a while the doctor comes out, invites them into the nursery where 3 babies lie in cribs and says: "Congratulation! You all just became fathers! But there is one problem. Due to a nurse's error the babies got mixed up and we don't really know which one who's."

The Englishman suddenly grabs the darkest baby and sprints towards the door.

The doctor shouts: "Sir! What are you doing!!!?"

The Englishman as he's getting farther: "I'm not raising no bloody Frenchman!"

Just got a vasectomy. I was looking forward to not having any more kids...

...but when I got home, the fuckers were still there

A woman didn't know how to speak Spanish but was married to a Spanish man and together, they resided in Spain.

Once she went to the market to buy some chicken legs. She lifted her skirt a little and pointed to her legs so that the shopkeeper is able to understand her.

Another time, she had to buy chicken breast so she pointed to her bosom so that the shopkeeper is able to understand her

Once she had to go to the market to buy some bananas so she took her husband with her

......because her husband could speak Spanish very well.

Thứ Ba, 18 tháng 5, 2021

Why do plants use photosynthesis?

So they can have a light snack

I was reading a book when my 5yo cousin asked "why is that book so thick?"

Then i told him "its a long story"