"What is she doing that for?" Asked the judge.
"Fu***ng looking for me."
Thứ Sáu, 21 tháng 5, 2021
A large corporation hires a Tribe of cannibals...
And they tell them: "You have full rights as employees, but you're not allowed to eat anybody."
Things go well for several weeks and then the CEO calls the Tribe into his office. The CEO says:
"Somebody has been reported missing. Did you eat them?"
The chief of the Tribe checks with his people and says:
"No sir, we have not eaten anybody. It must be a coincidence."
The CEO is skeptical but he has no evidence so he dismisses the Tribe.
Once they are away from the other employees, the chief turns to his Tribe and asks: "Okay, which one of you idiots did it?"
A tribesman sheepishly puts up his hands and admits:
"I ate a secretary."
The chief smacks the tribesman and yells:
"You fool! We've been eating middle management for weeks and nobody has noticed. Then you had to go and eat someone that does actual work!"
A guy is drinking real hard at the bar one night...
even though he promised his wife he won’t because he always gets too drunk. After many drinks he decided it’s time to go. He pays his tab and pushes himself off of the bar stool. He lands face first on the floor. So he pulled himself back up onto the bar stool. After a few minutes and a cup of coffee he thinks he’s ready for the short walk home. He pushes himself off the stool and once again finds himself face first on the floor. He thinks some fresh air will help so he crawls outside and pulls himself up on the light poll. He can see his front door a few houses down. He takes a couple deep breaths and he releases the pole and falls straight down to the sidewalk. Only a short crawl he thinks so arm over arm he pulls himself home. Gets to the porch, opens the door, crawls up the steps and into his room. He quietly gets into bed next to his wife without her waking up.
He wakes up to his not-so-happy wife’s face staring down at him in clear disapproval. She asks him, “did you have fun at the bar last night?” With resignation he answers, “yeah, but how did you know I was drinking at the bar?” She replies, “the bartender called this morning and said you left your wheelchair there again.”
Thứ Năm, 20 tháng 5, 2021
A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"Shes in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Daves wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.
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