I think my cats are communists

They expect free food and keep talking about Mao.

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What do you call people who believe in Satan?

Christians

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My friend was upset I hired a stripper who had a math degree for his bachelor party

I told him it's the thot that counts

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Doctor: sorry but I had to remove your colon in the surgery..

Me why?

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I dumped a girl right after she took me to her home and showed me all her Nazi pride memorabilia

There were a lot of red flags

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Vaginas are like gyms.

I'm rarely inside one, but when I am I just sort of pretend to know what I'm doing and hope no one notices I don't.

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My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died.

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.

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